What to do......

Sooooo What do you do when you're not sure what to do??

Hmmmmm, that's my conundrum. I find myself in a situation that I haven't been in for a very long time. I am finding that I really, really like someone. To the point of idiocy. Why does all our common sense flee us when we come face to face with attraction and humor and intelligence?

I find myself back in high school. The girl in the back of the class. Quiet girl, big eyes. Always thinking, wondering. What would it be like? To be wanted?
Wishing I knew what this person was feeling, if anything at all.

Standing on the cliff...wondering if it's worth the trip down.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, but this is what I'm going to do. Just live. I'm not going to wonder anymore. I'm just going to live my life to the best of my ability...and find what joy there is to find.

Because in the end people will feel or not feel as is their want and their inclination. We have no power over it and it's sheer lunacy to think that we do. It doesn't change my worth as a person. It doesn't make my spirit any less amazing.

this is why......

Sometimes when I tell people that I "blog", well, I get some very strange looks. I can see what these people are thinking..."she LOOKS sane.....but...." I know that it doesn't seem to be a very worthwhile pursuit. What could I possibly get out of this? Telling the world my most private thoughts...my dreams..my aspirations. I've dumped so much stuff out here...all the contents of my brain at any given moment. You always wonder if anyone is really reading this stuff or if it's just taking up valuable(yeah..right) cyberspace.

I recently got an answer. A few days ago...I got a call. This person who had been having a rather tough few months wanted to thank me. ME!! Can you believe it?? I was speechless..WHAT did I do?? How did I do anything?? All I did was scribble down a few musings...give some thanks where I felt it was due. In examining my own life,this person saw something of themselves in something of mine. It caused them to re-evaluate and make changes. Just that small step set them on the path to their dreams. It means so much when someone tells you that you make a difference, that you're NOT nuts, there is a rhyme and a reason for what you do.

There are people in our lives who make a difference. Every day. It's never too late to tell someone that they make a difference in your life. It's never too late to inspire someone without even trying. Never.

User handbook for the year 2010

HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar..
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
40. Please share this to everyone you care about, I just did.

"Let us not drink to the past, but to the future."
-- Anonymous

stuff in my head....

As the new year fast approaches..I usually take this time to reflect on the past year and all it meant to me. 2009 brought me some amazing gifts and some incredible challenges. I hope that I've learned the lessons that they imparted.

In November of 2008 I joined a singles group- Plenty Of fish...Yeah...Yeah..I know..*rolls eyes* but...just that one simple act of lunacy has brought me so much joy, I can't even tell you.

I met my best friend, Mark(thanks for being there...so many times...to remind me that yes...we can be neurotic...but ONLY WITH EACH OTHER..NO ONE ELSE...that way everyone THINKS we're normal!!) I met a Chef with the heart of a poet, who taught me that compassion and passion are not mutually exclusive. I met some very strong, independent women all of whom taught me about the kind of woman that I am trying very hard to be. I learned to take chances and go places and do things...ALONE. Knowing that when I got to wherever it was I was going....I'd have friends waiting for me...even if I just met them. I learned that Mapquest is my friend....and my enemy.

I've learned over this past year that opening your heart to people....and being vulnerable to feelings doesnt make you weak...it makes you stronger. Taking chances isn't foolish(if you're careful about the chances) it's bravery in it's highest form. To look out over the water....and dive in.

If we Never leave our comfort zones...if we stay only in familiar places..among familiar things...we never meet new people..or experience new things. We never will hurt..or know fear..or pain...but we will never know joy, or passion, or maybe...even love.

Sooo on this new year....I am so thankful for all the lessons I've learned...and I look forward to what this next year will bring me. A motorcycle license? a relationship with a man other than the furry one(Boo) that purrs beside me each night? maybe some travel to unfamiliar places? I don't know....but...I'm looking forward to it.

Sometimes...it's all about taking the leap of faith...and building your wings on the way down. ~~~Leaping~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plans Change.....

When I was growing up I made big plans. My two best friends and I were going to graduate from high school...and immediately jump into a car and head for California. I really can't remember why that became our destination, other than it was just so far away from the refineries and reality of our current lives. OH YEAH, now I remember. I was going to be an actress (yeah..go ahead and laugh..it is hilarious). C was going to become a big,high powered entertainment lawyer, and V was going to marry Erik Estrada. We were going to all be roommates and live in a fabulous apartment and have fabulous lives... uh...yeah.

The reality of life usually interferes with our plans. I ended up marrying young and working at a local bank for the better part of 15 years. C never did go to law school...she was a paralegal for awhile..and now she's a personal trainer. V recently moved back into the area after being away for many years, she was the one that made it all the way through college and got her master's degree. She married a military man and has lived all over the country....she never did make it to California, though.

Sandra had big plans, too. She had planned on working until retirement age...and then retiring and then doing a lot of traveling. A diagnosis of Lymphoma at age 45 and several rounds of chemo derailed those plans. But when the chemo was over...and she was in remission...she re-met her high school sweetheart, they were married. They did some traveling. Lived in Mississippi, and Kentucky, and now Missouri. This time, when the Lymphoma resurfaced, she had a partner to help her in the fight.

M was coming home late one night on his motorcycle...he had an accident, trashed the bike as well as his knee. He was very nearly dead. Strangely enough, that accident was a wake up call. The bike got rebuilt, and so did he. He's healthier now than he's been in years. He even has a new relationship.

We all have plans. Only we can make them come into fruition. But it's important to keep your eyes open to what the fates have in store for you. The hardest paths often have the greatest rewards.

Every Thanksgiving....

Over the past few years it's become a family tradition to spend the weekend after Thanksgiving with mom and Russ and the Garrett part of the family. November 30th is mom's birthday so it gives us an excuse to have some big family dinners, usually a texas hold 'em poker tournament and top it off with a birthday cake.

The drive down to East Prairie from Wood River usually takes about 3 hours. Those hours give us plenty of time to listen to our favorite music....talk about girlfriends and boyfriends and life and death and all the stuff in between.

my favorite part of the drive is usually, twilight....if we leave in the afternoon, we drive through St. Louis around sunset.

This year I am particularly thankful. Mom finished up her radiation treatments on wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. Next week she will meet up with her oncologist and they will come up with a battle plan for the rest of her treatment. Most likely it will involve a little bit more chemotherapy. Her doctor has assured her it won't be as aggressive as what she has previously experienced.

I can't tell her that I know what she's going through...I don't. I can't tell her I feel her pain.... I can't even fathom the pain she goes through. I can't imagine how strong she is....I don't know how to be that strong. All I can do is hope that it will all be over soon...that she won't have to go through this ever again...

All I want for Christmas...is a cure.

Wheels........

I first learned to ride a bicycle when I was 8. White, with red stripes and a basket on the front. It's been a loving relationship ever since. I would spend whole summers on my bike. Leave my house in the morning, ride all over town all day, come home for lunch, leave again till dinner. I have so many scars from so many bicycle wrecks.

The freedom of two wheels and the wind in your face can't be matched by anything else on earth. As I grew older, 4 wheels took the place of two. I got a driver's license and it was no longer "cool" to ride a bicycle.

When I turned 18 my parents divorced. Like most middle aged men his age....dad's first purchase was a motorcycle. I had a new obsession. I was so envious. I vowed then and there, someday that I would learn to ride. It was gorgeous. A Honda Goldwing. Black. Shiny. Fully decked out. All the bells and whistles. That was a beautiful machine. Dad would take me for rides. The great river road at sunset. The cornfields of southern illinois on a cool fall day.

Several years later, my (then) husband bought a Honda Shadow....*sigh* Not so fully decked out..750CC engine, nice windshield on the front and a couple saddle bags. He would take me for rides too. I love night rides the best...with a full moon lighting your way. *sigh* That bike represented the freedom I so desperately wanted in my life. I wanted to learn how to ride it..he promised to teach me. Like so many promises, that one was also broken.

This past year has brought many new adventures....I finally decided to tackle my biggest adventure. It was a three day class. Friday night was class time we broke into groups and discussed why we wanted a motorcycle license. We went over the handbooks, and discussed safety, safety, safety and equipment and techniques. The next day would be all day on "the range" on actual machines.

Saturday morning dawned clear and bright and cold. We were assigned our machines. I got a blue Suzuki. I was scared to death. I had a hard time getting it started, and the instructor was very gentle and understanding as he showed me that I needed to turn my fuel tank to the ON position. He called me HOMER...cause he said he was too busy to learn all our names. Everyone got a nickname. Strange...he learned everyone else's name...I remained HOMER. We got our bikes started up and I took my first ciruit of the range. In first gear. I didn't care. The feel of the wind on my face and the sun on my back was enough of a thrill for me.

We did several exercises that day designed to teach us the skills necessary to maneuver city streets and country roads. With each new skill, I gained a little more confidence. By the end of the first day, I was cornering and swerving around cones, braking...and even shifting into 2nd gear!! All day long I had been seeing my classmates take a few tumbles. We were doing an emergency braking exercise when I lost control of "BLUE" the bike started to fall to the right....I jumped off on the left and she went down. The handbrake was broken. I was a little upset. The instructor came up to me.. "Homer, shake it off. You're doing really well. It's too late to quit now. I'm really impressed with how quick your reflexes were...come on, back on the horse" I finished the day on an unfamiliar bike...visibly shaken.

We started sunday on "the range" and sunday afternoon we would be doing our road tests. Again we were assigned bikes. The instructor came over to me, "Homer, I got a special bike..just for you. Handles like a dream." It was a black Honda Shadow. Karma? I think so.

We spent the day sunday working on the skills for the road test. I aced the figure 8,cornering, emergency stops,and avoiding obstacles. I was feeling pretty confident. After lunch...we would do the road test.

I was tenth in line...I observed how everyone else was doing. The course was set up so that you got up to about 15 miles per hour...shifting into 2nd gear..cornering(within a defined path) and doing an emergency stop after a straightaway. The instructor checked to make sure that the bike was in first gear after you were completely stopped. That was the first part. The second part was a straightaway coming into a defined area..where you had to perform a figure eight within that area...and then leave following a defined path. Staying within the lines is mandatory.

When it was my turn, I patted "shadow", prayed, crossed myself, and took off. I loved the feeling of being in control. I went through the exercises just as I had been taught. After all the tests were done...we went inside for the written test while the instructors graded our road tests. The written test was basically just common sense. When our tests were handed out the upper right hand corner had our scores for the road test on it as well. Mine...had a note on it.. "see me after class, homer."

As it turned out....I didnt pass the road test. I had a problem staying within the lines. What can I say? I always did color outside the lines. : ) I talked to the instructor after class. "For someone who had never ridden before...you did amazingly well. I want you back here in the spring...you'll pass. You just need more practice. You can do this"

I'm volunteering to be a "range aide" so that I can help out with the courses in the spring, gain a little confidence around motorcycles, get in some practice while the students are on lunch break. I'll pass the course next time. I just know it. I'll get a bike. I'll take a cross country trip, and I'll write about it. I'll let you know when it's to be published. *grins*