Over the past weekend I was visiting friends and on my way home I happened to stop in to a Panera Bread company to get some lunch. I wasn't feeling very well and I thought some chicken noodle soup might just do the trick.
While I sat in my little booth observing humanity in all its forms an old man happened to be walking past. Well, ok..he wasn't really walking, more like shuffling. He appeared to be having some trouble balancing his tray and he looked about to fall over. I asked if he would like some help and he gratefully accepted. I had him sit down opposite me and I took his tray and dishes and disposed of them.
"Walter" introduced himself and thanked me for my kindness. I introduced myself and while I finished my soup and he drank his tea we chatted. He asked me if I could guess his age...and his eyes twinkled at me as if he were in on a private joke. "at least 50" I said with a grin. He admitted that he was 80 years old and that astonished me. He seriously didn't look a day over 60. We talked about life and philosophy and the silly ways of men and women.
He was hanging out in Panera Bread company waiting for his "GIRLFRIEND" to move out of their house. After a 3 year relationship they had broken up and now he sat waiting while "she and her kids pick through the rubble". He told me about all the money he had made and how well off he was...and he even asked me if I wanted to help him spend it now that he didnt have anyone to help him do that. I laughed kindly and told him "uh...no.. thank you, Walter...but it was nice to be considered.." He told me I had a lovely smile and I thanked him and asked him if relationships got any easier as we aged.
It was his turn to laugh and he told me that for as long as there are men and women on this earth, things were gonna be interesting. He had yet to find the "perfect" relationship. He said that his wife of 50 years was the closest he had ever come. He lost her several years ago to cancer. He nursed her through the final year or so of her life. He had the money and the resources to have a nurse there with them. He said he wouldnt trade that time for anything in the world. "She had a beautiful smile too, and even when she was real sick, she would give me one anytime I came near her.... I lived for those moments, wouldnt trade them for all the gold in Fort Knox"
Well...I finally decided it was time for me to leave...and "walter" said his son was going to be picking him up soon. As I was leaving... he again offered to let me help him spend his money....I again laughed and this time I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Walter...I think what we have here...is a perfect relationship, though very brief. Lets just leave it at that ok?"
And with that.....I walked out of his life.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Even Superman Falls 5/4/09
Current mood: sad
It is the nature of this existence that we're given, that all things come full circle. Beings are born, beings die. This being said, sometimes even the inevitable is surprising.
My ex and I have maintained a distant relationship lately. Keeping it to simple e-mails and short messages. I know that he probably doesn't like it, but I feel it necessary to keep a little distance. He obliges me. Over the past year we've shared a journey. His father and my mother were both struck down with differing forms of cancer about this time last year. My mother finished her round of treatment for lymphoma back in March. I'm not sure what treatment course his dad was on. We kept in touch and asked after our respective parents...wishing the other luck in recovery. That sort of thing.
His father, Big Ned (the man was 6'4 and strapping in his youth...still an imposing figure well into his 70's) was a superman of sorts. That's how I came to regard him. The first time I met him some 8 years ago, he was competing in the senior olympics. He was beating men 10 years his junior. The officials said they hadn't seen a feat like his in quite some time.
The next time I saw him it was on his home turf. He took great delight in eating the last bit of whatever ice cream was in the freezer and then putting the empty container back into the appliance to frustrate his wife. He would then later ask her to get him some ice cream and act very indignant over the fact that there was none there. "Well, I wonder who ate the last of it....?" he would say, with an impish grin. He loved feeding the squirrels around his home and would go on "fossil hunts" bringing back rocks and pieces of rocks that he swore contained prehistoric creatures. Woe be to he who ventured into his "workroom" where he would hide all his treasures.
Big Ned did not do well in his fight against cancer. His once towering frame dwindled down pound by pound. Yet still he managed to sneak into the kitchen when the rest of the house was asleep and eat the last bit of ice cream.
He passed from this life into the next on Friday, May 1st. The love of his life was right by his side. Where she has been since they married as seniors in high school.
A toast to you, Big Ned. They don't make them like you anymore. I'm going to get some Blue Bunny tonight and toast with my son to his partner in crime and fossil hunting buddy.
You will be missed and remembered with a smile.
It is the nature of this existence that we're given, that all things come full circle. Beings are born, beings die. This being said, sometimes even the inevitable is surprising.
My ex and I have maintained a distant relationship lately. Keeping it to simple e-mails and short messages. I know that he probably doesn't like it, but I feel it necessary to keep a little distance. He obliges me. Over the past year we've shared a journey. His father and my mother were both struck down with differing forms of cancer about this time last year. My mother finished her round of treatment for lymphoma back in March. I'm not sure what treatment course his dad was on. We kept in touch and asked after our respective parents...wishing the other luck in recovery. That sort of thing.
His father, Big Ned (the man was 6'4 and strapping in his youth...still an imposing figure well into his 70's) was a superman of sorts. That's how I came to regard him. The first time I met him some 8 years ago, he was competing in the senior olympics. He was beating men 10 years his junior. The officials said they hadn't seen a feat like his in quite some time.
The next time I saw him it was on his home turf. He took great delight in eating the last bit of whatever ice cream was in the freezer and then putting the empty container back into the appliance to frustrate his wife. He would then later ask her to get him some ice cream and act very indignant over the fact that there was none there. "Well, I wonder who ate the last of it....?" he would say, with an impish grin. He loved feeding the squirrels around his home and would go on "fossil hunts" bringing back rocks and pieces of rocks that he swore contained prehistoric creatures. Woe be to he who ventured into his "workroom" where he would hide all his treasures.
Big Ned did not do well in his fight against cancer. His once towering frame dwindled down pound by pound. Yet still he managed to sneak into the kitchen when the rest of the house was asleep and eat the last bit of ice cream.
He passed from this life into the next on Friday, May 1st. The love of his life was right by his side. Where she has been since they married as seniors in high school.
A toast to you, Big Ned. They don't make them like you anymore. I'm going to get some Blue Bunny tonight and toast with my son to his partner in crime and fossil hunting buddy.
You will be missed and remembered with a smile.
For Good 3/09
I love lyrics. They say the things I wish I'd said. They express the feelings I wish I had, and some that I do have. Sometimes a song, just fits. It fits the situation, or it fits a particular person so well, that to think of that song, is to bring to mind that person. Instantly.
This song kind of fits in with my life philosophy. Every person that comes into your life is to teach you something or to learn something from you. If you're lucky, these people continue to do so throughout your life. Even if they leave you, off to their own paths, we are never the same again. We're changed. For always. For good.
"For Good"- (The musical "Wicked")
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you:
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.
This song kind of fits in with my life philosophy. Every person that comes into your life is to teach you something or to learn something from you. If you're lucky, these people continue to do so throughout your life. Even if they leave you, off to their own paths, we are never the same again. We're changed. For always. For good.
"For Good"- (The musical "Wicked")
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?
And because I knew you:
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.
Unconditional Love 2/09
Current mood: blessed
Soooo...
I called my daughter this afternoon and since the "VALENDOOM'S day massacre" she's been kinda down in the dumps. I told her I was going to take her to dinner. She said she had a surprise for me.
She shows up with........a lower lip piercing. oooh boy.(for the record....it's tiny...and actually looks ok, when it heals she's going to get a little jewel).
AND a gift box for me.
She gave me a silver claddagh necklace. Because of all the love and support I've given her(and groceries..and gas money..and kitty litter).*grins*
But isnt that what we're supposed to do? as parents? Just give them all the love and support we can, UNCONDITIONALLY..even if they put holes in their beautiful faces? I just love her so much...and want so much for her. I just want her to see how freaking amazing she is.
Anyway...isnt it cool when you REALLY think your kid is cool and they like you too? No one ever tells you about that part when the baby cries at 4am and won't stop crying. They don't tell you that part when they fall off the monkey bars at school and break their arm the first week of kindergarten(that was curt...not cait). They just don't tell you how genuinely fun they can be when you can sit and watch TRUE BLOOD with them every sunday night on HBO and then have an actual conversation about something serious.
They should put that in the "how to raise kids" manual.
I apologize for the rambling...I do that sometimes. Go back to your normal life now..."move it along folks...nothing more to see here.....move it along...."
Soooo...
I called my daughter this afternoon and since the "VALENDOOM'S day massacre" she's been kinda down in the dumps. I told her I was going to take her to dinner. She said she had a surprise for me.
She shows up with........a lower lip piercing. oooh boy.(for the record....it's tiny...and actually looks ok, when it heals she's going to get a little jewel).
AND a gift box for me.
She gave me a silver claddagh necklace. Because of all the love and support I've given her(and groceries..and gas money..and kitty litter).*grins*
But isnt that what we're supposed to do? as parents? Just give them all the love and support we can, UNCONDITIONALLY..even if they put holes in their beautiful faces? I just love her so much...and want so much for her. I just want her to see how freaking amazing she is.
Anyway...isnt it cool when you REALLY think your kid is cool and they like you too? No one ever tells you about that part when the baby cries at 4am and won't stop crying. They don't tell you that part when they fall off the monkey bars at school and break their arm the first week of kindergarten(that was curt...not cait). They just don't tell you how genuinely fun they can be when you can sit and watch TRUE BLOOD with them every sunday night on HBO and then have an actual conversation about something serious.
They should put that in the "how to raise kids" manual.
I apologize for the rambling...I do that sometimes. Go back to your normal life now..."move it along folks...nothing more to see here.....move it along...."
The New Year 12/08
Current mood: luminous
I am usually dead-set against this....*sigh* but here I am, doing it anyway.
I REFUSE to call them resolutions, I will be calling them goals.
I'm going to be more open to the universe and all its possibilities.
I'm going to work really hard and get good grades because I have a bunch of people who are really proud of me and I want to give them good reason.
I'm not going to obsess about "what might have been" and focus instead on "WHAT IS." This time, this moment is all we have. Make the most of it. It won't come again.
I'm not going to search for happiness through material things. Yeah, a brand new shiny this or that would be nice...but it won't feed my soul and if the happiness isn't within me, it won't bring it to the surface.
I'm not going to be afraid of rejection. What's the worst that could happen? Someone doesn't like me? Um...I'll survive. I swear.
The word "spontaneous" is not a dirty word. I need to do more of that. Sometimes NOT thinking things through is a great adventure.
I'm not going to get myself so tangled up in someone else's life that I forget my own spirit or dreams.
I'm going to try sushi.(no....actually..I probably won't..but it looked good in print, didn't it?)
2009 is going to be a great year. I can feel it, it's getting closer...and it looks glorious.
I am usually dead-set against this....*sigh* but here I am, doing it anyway.
I REFUSE to call them resolutions, I will be calling them goals.
I'm going to be more open to the universe and all its possibilities.
I'm going to work really hard and get good grades because I have a bunch of people who are really proud of me and I want to give them good reason.
I'm not going to obsess about "what might have been" and focus instead on "WHAT IS." This time, this moment is all we have. Make the most of it. It won't come again.
I'm not going to search for happiness through material things. Yeah, a brand new shiny this or that would be nice...but it won't feed my soul and if the happiness isn't within me, it won't bring it to the surface.
I'm not going to be afraid of rejection. What's the worst that could happen? Someone doesn't like me? Um...I'll survive. I swear.
The word "spontaneous" is not a dirty word. I need to do more of that. Sometimes NOT thinking things through is a great adventure.
I'm not going to get myself so tangled up in someone else's life that I forget my own spirit or dreams.
I'm going to try sushi.(no....actually..I probably won't..but it looked good in print, didn't it?)
2009 is going to be a great year. I can feel it, it's getting closer...and it looks glorious.
Playing with my mind 12/08
Current mood: adventurous
If you are familiar with me you know that music is pretty important to me. ALL of the songs on my mp3 player (there are over 100) have some kind of meaning to me.
They remind me of people in my present and in my past, of events that I never want to forget, and things I wish I could. As you can tell by the multitude of words I have hanging out here in cyberspace, words mean a lot to me. Lyrics sometimes say the things I wish I could and even the things I wish I hadn't.
I have this person in my life that likes to play with my head a little bit. This person likes to send me little messages and try to keep in contact with me. Which is ok...except for one thing. Sometimes when this person sends me a message, it hurts.
So, I got this message and the person asked me about a certain song. Did I remember it? YES. I remembered it. It was the first song we ever danced to. It was the first song that I ever danced to with anyone in my life where I didn't trip over my own two feet. I felt like Ginger Rogers. I was graceful, I was beautiful. I will NEVER forget that freaking song. This person knows this, yet they asked me anyway. Wanna know why?
Because he likes to remind me of the "good times". What he doesnt realize is...with every little message, with every little memory is a cut. Little tiny paper cuts...that burn and irritate and just remind me of how I wasnt worth the effort. How I wasn't worth the time invested. How I am better off now than I ever was before. How much stronger I am without him. How the future is MINE now.
So...to this person(he knows who he is..). Stop thinking about the past. It's over, it's done. Quit messing with my mind. MY mind is fine. Work on YOURS.
I'm doing JUST FINE, thank you. I have really good friends who remind me every day that I AM worth the effort, that I am fine, just as I am. So maybe work on YOUR future. Mine...is gonna be GREAT!
ADDENDUM:
First of all...upon reading this a good friend pointed out that...MAYBE..just MAYBE I was ascribing something to malice, when it should really just be attributed to ignorance of my feelings. I think my friend was probably right.
And well....Ok...I had a talk with "the person" and...as it turns out, he finally gets it. He understands now...he gets it!! He finally realized what I had been telling him all along. He apologized for inadvertently hurting me. He had never intended it. We had a healthy conversation and got things out in the open. He understands that if he had just figured a few things out about himself 10 years ago, we never would have gone through all this. We could have been happy. Maybe.
But, all things are learned in their own time and in their own space. The things we go through are the lessons we have to learn. And we must learn or we never grow. I think he's growing..and I'm happy for him. and for me, I'm growing now too.
If you are familiar with me you know that music is pretty important to me. ALL of the songs on my mp3 player (there are over 100) have some kind of meaning to me.
They remind me of people in my present and in my past, of events that I never want to forget, and things I wish I could. As you can tell by the multitude of words I have hanging out here in cyberspace, words mean a lot to me. Lyrics sometimes say the things I wish I could and even the things I wish I hadn't.
I have this person in my life that likes to play with my head a little bit. This person likes to send me little messages and try to keep in contact with me. Which is ok...except for one thing. Sometimes when this person sends me a message, it hurts.
So, I got this message and the person asked me about a certain song. Did I remember it? YES. I remembered it. It was the first song we ever danced to. It was the first song that I ever danced to with anyone in my life where I didn't trip over my own two feet. I felt like Ginger Rogers. I was graceful, I was beautiful. I will NEVER forget that freaking song. This person knows this, yet they asked me anyway. Wanna know why?
Because he likes to remind me of the "good times". What he doesnt realize is...with every little message, with every little memory is a cut. Little tiny paper cuts...that burn and irritate and just remind me of how I wasnt worth the effort. How I wasn't worth the time invested. How I am better off now than I ever was before. How much stronger I am without him. How the future is MINE now.
So...to this person(he knows who he is..). Stop thinking about the past. It's over, it's done. Quit messing with my mind. MY mind is fine. Work on YOURS.
I'm doing JUST FINE, thank you. I have really good friends who remind me every day that I AM worth the effort, that I am fine, just as I am. So maybe work on YOUR future. Mine...is gonna be GREAT!
ADDENDUM:
First of all...upon reading this a good friend pointed out that...MAYBE..just MAYBE I was ascribing something to malice, when it should really just be attributed to ignorance of my feelings. I think my friend was probably right.
And well....Ok...I had a talk with "the person" and...as it turns out, he finally gets it. He understands now...he gets it!! He finally realized what I had been telling him all along. He apologized for inadvertently hurting me. He had never intended it. We had a healthy conversation and got things out in the open. He understands that if he had just figured a few things out about himself 10 years ago, we never would have gone through all this. We could have been happy. Maybe.
But, all things are learned in their own time and in their own space. The things we go through are the lessons we have to learn. And we must learn or we never grow. I think he's growing..and I'm happy for him. and for me, I'm growing now too.
Chemistry 12/08
Sparks, lightning, excitement. What is this thing called attraction? How is it that either two people "click" or they don't? Take two reasonably attractive people of the opposite sex and throw them in a room. Sparks will fly, or....they won't.
I can remember back in high school. Seeing the hot guy walking down the hall towards me. Sweaty palms, stuttering, panic. Did I affect him the same way??? um, nope. *grins* What was it about this person that made me behave like that? It was the hair. That perfectly layered hair. nahhhhh that wasn't it. There was more.
Ask 10 people this question"What turns you on?" and you are likely to get answers ranging from "big boobs" and "great pecs" to "a great sense of humor". The chemistry of attraction is a funny thing. It's so subjective to each person's individual history. There are triggers in our subconscious as to what makes us "click" with some people and not so much with others.
I was watching "GREY'S ANATOMY" tonight(yeah...ok I'm one of THOSE people). There was this moment, with Dr. christina (stoic, non-emotional) and Dr. Hunt(new guy, mysterious, smart, HOT). Well, they've kinda been building up to something, these two. Dr. Christina is visibly upset about something and struggling to keep it all together and Dr. Hunt sees how she is abou to cry and he takes her by the hand and leads her down the hallway and tells her to "wait...its something really special". He takes her down into the bowels of the hospital to the furnace room.
She's looking at him like he's a lunatic and he stands her on a grate in the floor. She starts to turn and leave and again he says"wait...this is really good...you're gonna love it". At that precise moment a rush of air comes up the grate and just like Marilyn Monroe's dress in "THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH", it blows up her entire body, causing her to laugh and giggle and catch her breath. Her whole face is suffused with such wonder and joy. Then he steps onto the grate as well and there is another big rush of air and they're both laughing and smiling like children. Then he just starts kissing her and they are so caught up in the whole thing and there's just all the air whooshing around them and time is standing still.
That's how great a mutual attraction can be. There are no words. After the attraction part...Well...then comes the hard part. What the hell do you do with it?????!!! Do you play it out...see where it goes? Explore the possibilities? Do you try to build on it, make a castle out of sand? Do you play it out, and realize that the attraction is better turned into a deep and lifelong friendship with someone who will always know you just a little bit better than anyone else on the planet?
The world is an amazing place when you just open yourself up to it. Smile at the charming stranger, give the girl with the pretty green eyes the once over. She may give you a look in return. It's out there. Waiting for you.
I'm standing on that airshaft grate, the air is whooshing all around me and I'm laughing at the sheer joy of it.
I, for one, am really liking the whole thing.
I can remember back in high school. Seeing the hot guy walking down the hall towards me. Sweaty palms, stuttering, panic. Did I affect him the same way??? um, nope. *grins* What was it about this person that made me behave like that? It was the hair. That perfectly layered hair. nahhhhh that wasn't it. There was more.
Ask 10 people this question"What turns you on?" and you are likely to get answers ranging from "big boobs" and "great pecs" to "a great sense of humor". The chemistry of attraction is a funny thing. It's so subjective to each person's individual history. There are triggers in our subconscious as to what makes us "click" with some people and not so much with others.
I was watching "GREY'S ANATOMY" tonight(yeah...ok I'm one of THOSE people). There was this moment, with Dr. christina (stoic, non-emotional) and Dr. Hunt(new guy, mysterious, smart, HOT). Well, they've kinda been building up to something, these two. Dr. Christina is visibly upset about something and struggling to keep it all together and Dr. Hunt sees how she is abou to cry and he takes her by the hand and leads her down the hallway and tells her to "wait...its something really special". He takes her down into the bowels of the hospital to the furnace room.
She's looking at him like he's a lunatic and he stands her on a grate in the floor. She starts to turn and leave and again he says"wait...this is really good...you're gonna love it". At that precise moment a rush of air comes up the grate and just like Marilyn Monroe's dress in "THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH", it blows up her entire body, causing her to laugh and giggle and catch her breath. Her whole face is suffused with such wonder and joy. Then he steps onto the grate as well and there is another big rush of air and they're both laughing and smiling like children. Then he just starts kissing her and they are so caught up in the whole thing and there's just all the air whooshing around them and time is standing still.
That's how great a mutual attraction can be. There are no words. After the attraction part...Well...then comes the hard part. What the hell do you do with it?????!!! Do you play it out...see where it goes? Explore the possibilities? Do you try to build on it, make a castle out of sand? Do you play it out, and realize that the attraction is better turned into a deep and lifelong friendship with someone who will always know you just a little bit better than anyone else on the planet?
The world is an amazing place when you just open yourself up to it. Smile at the charming stranger, give the girl with the pretty green eyes the once over. She may give you a look in return. It's out there. Waiting for you.
I'm standing on that airshaft grate, the air is whooshing all around me and I'm laughing at the sheer joy of it.
I, for one, am really liking the whole thing.
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