So Far....So Good.

To say that things have not gone as I had planned...well, that's putting it lightly. I never really thought I would be 1. Facing my 45th birthday alone. 2. I'd still be living only 15 miles from the place I grew up. 3. I would have such an outstanding network of friends.

I always thought that at this stage in my life...I would at least have some of the answers to life's burning questions. Alas, this is not so. Maybe I'm just getting all maudlin and idiotic because my "big day" is next week. Maybe it's hormones. Whatever.

The funny thing is.....I don't feel any different on the inside. I still feel wonderment when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset. I feel joy when I laugh with my kids. I still hope to have someone to grow old with. I still have hope. Just some days it's just harder to hang on to than others. I know there is a plan...somewhere. I know that someday all the misdirection and all the pain and joy and laughter will make perfect sense...and someday I'll see it for what it is. A journey. The destination really IS the journey and all the things that happen along the way.

Sooooo I say this. To all the people whom I've inadvertently hurt on my way. I'm sorry..and yet grateful to you. For teaching me that there is as much pain in hurting..as there is in the being hurt. To all the ones who give support and knowledge and laughter...without even knowing it. Thank you. There are days when that's the only thing that keeps me going.

I don't know what I'm going to turn out to be just yet...all I know is that I am a work in progress....every day a little bit more is chiseled and shaped. Someday I hope to be the work of art that the higher power wants me to be.....I work towards that goal. Learning....giving...teaching....these are the tools. I will use them wisely.

For today...I'm happy. I won't question it. I don't feel so much like I'm searching blindly for something that I'm not even sure what it is that I'm looking for. For today....this moment. That's enough for me.