The road blog....

I promised you adventure...so here goes. The BF(boyfriend) lives a couple hours away from me and usually he travels to see me, but in the interest of fairness...and to accommodate his work schedule, I have taken it upon myself to expand my road trip proficiency. I purchased a Tom Tom GPS system so that I could travel without fear of getting lost. I FREAKING LOVE Ross(the voice inside my Tom Tom is a Scottish guy named Ross....)I love my BF more, but Ross is a close second because he gets me TO the BF.

BF has a work schedule in which it's really rare that he has a whole weekend off, so we make do. He's come to see me(making the 2 hour trip from home...or the 4 hour trip from where he's currently working) whenever he can. I'm a 9 to 5er so I am at work through the week and off on weekends. I really do love the freedom and independence of making a plan, packing an overnight bag and heading out. I really love that few hours on the road with my Blackberry music collection, my thoughts and the occasional bluetoothed phone call for company. Maybe I was always a gypsy at heart, but it really refreshes me and renews my soul. Someday, I'm gonna do this via my own motorcycle!! yeahhhh, baby.

So far this long distance relationship isn't an IDEAL situation, but for a beginner in the REAL relationship game, it's pretty cool. There's none of that annoying.."but he/she is in my space all the time, I wish I had some time to myself" stuff. We have ample time to ourselves, to BE ourselves and to pursue our own interests, all the while knowing there is someone out there that we can call our very own.

Communication is key. We call, we text, we send each other funny YouTube videos. I can honestly say that I've had more honest communication in this long distance relationship...than in the more conventional 'up-close and personal' relationships in my past.

Trust is very important. We really have an understanding that we have chosen each other. Nobody else even comes close, so why even bother to look. I know that for me, I feel like I've found a home after a long time searching. He had told me the same thing was true of him as well.

All relationships have misunderstandings.... in the past I would do pretty much anything to avoid a conflict. BF won't let me get away with it. He makes sure I know when he's upset about something and he wants the same in return. The idea being, "fix things as they happen, don't let things build up". So far, so good.

So here I am...at a Panera Bread company in Northern Illinois enjoying a Caramel Latte and a scone. *happy sigh* ahhh..this is the life.

soooo, here's the thing....

So, here's the thing...

That phrase usually means I'm about to say something tremendously important to me, but I'm trying to act like it's NOT. It's a family thing. I do it. Dad does it. Sis does it. We try to express our innermost feelings by acting like it's not a big deal. Trust me, it is.

So, here's the thing. The thing is, I've been rather lax in my postings lately, but you have to give me a break. LOTS of stuff happening in my life. I've been given a few gifts.

I entered a column submission to a local paper, they accepted it, and now I get the opportunity to be a guest columnist. Pretty cool, huh? That's ONE of the things. The other is this... sit down. It's big. I'm actually IN a relationship. Not 'kinda' in one...or 'sorta' in one. He's mine, I'm his. It's a big deal. The future doesn't seem like such a scary place, anymore. The possibility of having a companion on my journey seems like a cool idea now.

It came about so naturally, very easy, and very unexpected. He was someone that I met a year and a half ago and I figured 'well, this isn't going anywhere'. So, I just mentally put him in the 'he's a friend' category. I thought that's where he put me too. We never really lost touch, we saw each other through some dark times, always seemed to be there for each other when we needed someone. When mom got sicker he listened as I cried on the phone, when his heart was battered I gave him advice. When mom died I had a lot of people who cared, but he was willing to drive the six hours from where he was working and actually BE THERE for me.(I didn't let him...and I should have, it would've been nice to have a strong hand to hold).

Our 'friendship' evolved without me even knowing it. He knew. He knew that what he'd been looking for, he already had and thought he'd lost.

A funny thing happens when you can finally see yourself as someone else sees you. When you open your heart just a little bit, amazing things happen. So, he came to see me and when I saw him, and saw the way he looked at me, there was this moment. It was like this: a voice in my head said "OH, THERE you are...I've been waiting for you." I FINALLY get it. Huh, who knew?

So, here's the thing- NOW the adventure really begins. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

Warning Labels.....

You know, childhood should come with a warning label because the things we do as children can haunt us as adults, but we grow and learn and forgive and forget.

I am one of those annoying FACEBOOK people. I love it. I got out of a very isolated relationship and was encouraged by some of my friends to join the social community and get re-acquainted with all the people that I had gone to school with. I am happy to say that I am no longer isolated. I've re-met some really treasured old friends and I've made a whole bunch of new ones.

I don't usually use the chat module as I don't have time for it, but I did happen to click it on the other night..and was surprised by a chat with someone that I really hadn't had much contact in many years.

This person was wracked with guilt over some things that had happened in our childhood. She and I had been friends of sorts, but she was maybe a little bit mean to me. To be honest...I do remember some really fun times that I had with her, and that's all I remember about it. She was genuinely remorseful for the things she had done and asked for forgiveness. Of course I gave it. That seemed to give her some measure of peace and we ended our chat on good terms...and I even asked her to call me sometime if she felt she needed someone to talk to.

I find it amazing how we carry all those things that we've done and that we've had done to us throughout our lives. We have to make choices. Do we let the bad things poison us? Do we let it color the rest of our existence to the extent that we become bitter and nasty? I choose the other path....just let it go. What's done is done, learn from it, forgive the past and move on.

seems a much healthier choice to me.

this whole 'soulmate' thingy...

Our lives and hearts are all puzzle pieces. The pieces are interwoven and made with all the people we've met and the ones who hang around and the ones who disappear into the mists of time. The feelings and relationships that those people leave with us and that we leave with them, it all makes up the big puzzle. Our relationships with family members, strangers, friends, it all plays a part in who we are, where we are going, why we do the things we do.

On rare occasions you are able to run into people that you instantly feel a connection with. It seems like you've known them forever. You share the same outlook on life, laugh at all the same things, enjoy the same movies, music, foods. These people are your soulmates. It's exciting to meet these people, because you know, in your heart that they don't often come along. You know something special and important is happening, but you don't know what. It's fun, because you don't know where it's all going and it's a new journey.

I have a few...they know their place in my heart, and I know mine in theirs. You might start out thinking that the nature of your relationship is one thing....but it grows in a new direction. That's the moment it becomes clear. When that happens, you just know. It's a little disheartening, because you think surely you should be in love with this person, right? They're perfect for you, that's supposed to be how it works, right? There should be fireworks and magic,RIGHT? Ah, no. Not so much. Not always.

There is such a thing as TOO perfect. Thus the soulmate. A person that feels like an extension of yourself...where you are weak, they are strong, but the core is the same. You have the same heart.

You don't get the fireworks and magic, but you do get someone you can call at all hours of the day or night when your heart is breaking, and they'll listen to you weep. They'll let you get all neurotic with them, because they do it too. You get someone that will help you through the toughest times of your life, because even though they don't know what you feel...they really DO know how you feel. You get someone that you can call up at 10pm at night when your car breaks down and you're on a date with someone else and they'll see that you get home safe. Just because.(yes...all of that really did happen). You get someone that understands your need to just be a total goofball, because, they are too.

And now there is another...and that's ok, because life is long and I plan on sharing it with these special people and seeing where our individual journeys take us. It's gonna be a fun ride, really. Because when you surround yourself with people who love and understand you, when you are as fortunate as I am to have these people, how can it not be?

RE-evaluating......and stuff.

Yesterday started like any other ordinary workday. Alarm went off, snooze button hit(twice), grudgingly get up and go about my day. My usual routine is to do the shower thing around 7am or earlier so I have time to clean off the car and warm it up if needed before heading to work.

Everything went according to plan - until I dropped the razor in the shower. You know those moments that happen, and you never see them coming, but they can alter the course of your life? This could have been one of them. The razor dropped, I moved my foot an inch the wrong way so I could bend down to get it...and my foot hit the razor handle. I fell out of the shower bringing the curtain rod with me and dazing myself as I hit the bathroom floor in the process.

I lay there in my stupor for a few seconds....thinking"man, I hope the paramedics that find my dead body are cute..." Then I thought.. "you're not dead, idiot. You could have been, but sadly you still have to go to work today." As I struggled to get off the floor, put the shower curtain back up and rinse the conditioner out of my hair, my cat finally decided to see what the commotion was and I heard a plaintive 'Meoww?' from outside the bathroom door. At least Boo was concerned about my well being. Or he was checking to make sure that someone would be feeding him soon. Let's go with CONCERN. ok?

All this activity got my brain firing and I began to wonder "what if??"
I was plunged into a period of self reflection that lasted probably most of an hour. What if I HAD lost consciousness or something even more tragic had happened...who would miss me? Who would even freaking care? I started counting in my head and I got a number.

Have you ever done that? considered the impact of your own subsequent demise on your family and friends? Wondered how they would react and who would be fighting over your autographed copy of Star Wars..VHS version? I considered the nature of my friendships and who would be profoundly affected and who would just say.."Oh yeah? she's dead? hmmm too bad." I REALLY suggest that you think about this, it's an eye-opener.

So, I'm doing a little RE-evaluation..taking stock as it were. If you wouldn't miss me, or you would prefer that I just kept my random musings to myself and not infect your life with them, let me know now and I'll just make sure you don't get a memo when my REAL expiration date comes up. OK?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, if you don't hear from me for a long period of time..well, chances are pretty good that you got re-evaluated, or I tripped and fell somewhere else and I'm currently unconscious and can't reach my cellphone..

Yeah, that's probably more likely.

snow angels....

This morning I woke up to snow. As I live in the midwest, this is not an altogether unusual occurrence. I just love the way an untouched, pristine snow looks. As if a pure white blanket had been thrown over everything. It covered the ugly reality of winter drabness and dressed it all up in a clean white jacket.

Everything just looks so fresh and clean and pure. If only there was a way to do that with your life. Just throw a clean cape over yourself and wipe away all the bad stuff. Wake up fresh and clean and pristine.

so do it. go out...make a snow angel. leave all the bad stuff behind...carry the good stuff(the wet snow) inside with you. : )

The 'other' mother....

I was going to save this for Mother's Day...but I find that I can't wait that long, and the subject is in dire need of recognition now. So here I am. I have often told anyone who will listen that I truly am of the belief that every person that comes into your life has a reason for being there. They are there to teach you, to learn from you, to give you something or to take something that they need from you. The reasons for their visit in your life is sometimes not clear immediately...sometimes it takes years and years.

Many moons ago, after my father and mother had divorced, after dad and my first stepmom had divorced....back when dad was single.. He met Linda. They dated for several years, she helped my sister plan her wedding. She actually became good friends with Sandy(my mom) through the course of the wedding planning. Things didnt work out and dad and Linda broke up. A few more years went by and they realized what each of them had lost and they got back together. Here's how I found out..

Dad-" Linda and I are back together.... I'm gonna ask her to move in with me...how do you feel about that?"

Me-"what are you asking me for? Kris and I love her, she's a great person, you're over 20 years old....geez dad...just do it!!"

and so he did. During the course of of their living together, she helped him move out of the big house and into the home they now share. She helped MAKE the home they share a HOME. She saw me and my sister through a few hardships, she cried with us when mom got sick again. In 2008 dad and Linda got married....to celebrate they took the whole family on their belated honeymoon to Cancun Mexico.

As I said before...the reasons that these 'special' people come into our lives are not often immediately apparent....but I know why Linda is here. All year long, throughout mom's bouts with chemo and illness, she's been there for me and Kris. While working a full time job, she found the time to design and make quilts for us both for Christmas presents. She has always treated my kids as if they were her own grandchildren and my sister and I as if we were of her flesh. The pendants that we were given at Thanksgiving were partly designed by her and when mom died...I don't know who cried more...me or Linda.

I know why she's here.... I think the higher power(whatever you choose to call it) knew that Kris and I weren't finished needing a mom yet and dad needed someone to keep him in line....so that's why she's here. She's way more than a stepmom..and I won't be calling her that anymore. She's my 'Other' mother....and I'm very thankful to have her and we all love her very much.