The Porcupine Theory.......

There is an old joke...it goes something like this:

"How do porcupines mate?" The answer is, of course, "Very carefully!!"

Recently someone noticed that I seemed almost hesitant or at the very least very thoughtful before I make any moves. I didn't make the connection till I was scanning channels over the weekend...and I happened to see something on Discovery or Animal Planet about the prickly little varmints... they really are almost adorable...but shy.

I never really considered myself to be like that...but then I thought again. I don't charge full steam ahead into situations anymore(it used to be the norm).....I consider the outcome...what might happen..what could happen..how this will affect others In being afraid of getting "hurt" I am also ultra sensitive to what might hurt someone else..thus have I become a porcupine. In a way...most of us who have been hurt or have hurt someone inadvertently are "porcupines".

Now....becoming a porcupine is not all bad. It forces us to think and consider. ALWAYS a good thing. It also reminds us that what we do now...can hurt ourselves or someone else. We consider all moves or non-moves very carefully... Taking things slower...not jumping into things too fast..is a good thing.

Sooooo how do we find love? How do we find the one other person whom won't hurt us? The person that we don't want to hurt...ever.

VERY carefully.

So Far....So Good.

To say that things have not gone as I had planned...well, that's putting it lightly. I never really thought I would be 1. Facing my 45th birthday alone. 2. I'd still be living only 15 miles from the place I grew up. 3. I would have such an outstanding network of friends.

I always thought that at this stage in my life...I would at least have some of the answers to life's burning questions. Alas, this is not so. Maybe I'm just getting all maudlin and idiotic because my "big day" is next week. Maybe it's hormones. Whatever.

The funny thing is.....I don't feel any different on the inside. I still feel wonderment when I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset. I feel joy when I laugh with my kids. I still hope to have someone to grow old with. I still have hope. Just some days it's just harder to hang on to than others. I know there is a plan...somewhere. I know that someday all the misdirection and all the pain and joy and laughter will make perfect sense...and someday I'll see it for what it is. A journey. The destination really IS the journey and all the things that happen along the way.

Sooooo I say this. To all the people whom I've inadvertently hurt on my way. I'm sorry..and yet grateful to you. For teaching me that there is as much pain in hurting..as there is in the being hurt. To all the ones who give support and knowledge and laughter...without even knowing it. Thank you. There are days when that's the only thing that keeps me going.

I don't know what I'm going to turn out to be just yet...all I know is that I am a work in progress....every day a little bit more is chiseled and shaped. Someday I hope to be the work of art that the higher power wants me to be.....I work towards that goal. Learning....giving...teaching....these are the tools. I will use them wisely.

For today...I'm happy. I won't question it. I don't feel so much like I'm searching blindly for something that I'm not even sure what it is that I'm looking for. For today....this moment. That's enough for me.

Rescue Me.......

A few years back, I did something really...um..interesting. The radio station that I listen to on the way to work was featuring a psychic as a special guest. I called in to ask her what was up with my life. I was in a period of transition and felt somewhat lost.

"you have a big sign on your forehead that reads 'I will rescue you'. All the people that you have been in relationships with up to this point...see this in you and they believe it. You believe it too. STOP trying to rescue people. Take care of you FIRST...then care about the people you love. NOT rescue...CARE FOR."

I know what you're thinking...she must have gotten information from the pre screeners..they tipped her off. Nope. I gave them a fake name and I wasn't even asked what I wanted to talk about. She hit the nail on the head.

I do still have that sign imprinted on my forehead, and I'm working to correct it, but occasionally I'm reminded that some people are beyond redemption. No matter how much they want it for themselves...they just can't do it.

I have a friend...well call him RON. Ron has problems....of a CHEMICAL sort. When I first met him...we got along great..no romantic thing..but we became great friends. He's a christian and has a great belief in the almighty. He also has a powerful addiction that he's trying to fix. I have been trying to be supportive.

We make plans.....he calls and changes them....then calls and changes them again...then never actually shows up. This happens time and again. Each time, I know what the REAL story is. Some 'friend' of his shows up with a little 'chemical enhancement' and he parties with this person all night..all weekend...all day.

I can't rescue him. I can't really rescue anyone....and it's really hard when you genuinely care for someone and want them to succeed and they seem so earnest and you want to believe them. Where do you draw the line? when do you give up?

You don't. You DO quit enabling them. You DO try to be supportive ...without supporting.

Just take a deep breath. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first..THEN you can help others.

adversity....

Many times in my life I've thought to myself..." how am I living through this.....?" We all have moments where we think that this is absolutely the rock bottom worst that things could be. Then, something else happens to prove to you that..."nope...it can get worse".

I've spoken often about my daughter and her fiercely independent streak. Again....she amazes me. Just when I thought there was NO WAY, that this girl could face adversity...she does it...again.

Like many people in their early twenties...she rents the attic of a house that she shares with two (male) roommates. The "frat house" as I call it, is THE gathering place for all the friends and co-horts that the three roommates share. This dilapidated old house is in such a state that Cat(she likes to be called that these days) took her whole day off...cleaned the place from top to bottom. It took her a full 8 hours to do. I happened to drop off some groceries at the tail end of the session. I was astounded. The place was absolutely spotless(except for the dishes...but she decided 'the guys' were gonna handle THAT chore...since she had cleaned everything else).

about a month back.....the electric bill lapsed.....they were without power for about 2 days. I told her she could stay with me till things got straightened out. "no, mom..it'll be ok...." She was, of course< upset...but NO WAY would I go without power if I didn't have to... Then...yesterday.....I get a text. NO WATER. Yes....the water bill lapsed too. I gave her a key to my place so she could do laundry...shower....that kind f thing. Still...she makes the best of it. She and another friend are working on getting a grown up place together. She's finally over the whole "frat house" mentality..and she's ready to have a "home" not just a place to crash.

I am so freakin proud of her. NOt only does this amazing young woman take lemons and make lemonade....she adds tequila...salt...and has everyone bring chips..and she makes it a party.

GAWD I wanna be like her when I grow up!!