The 'other' mother....

I was going to save this for Mother's Day...but I find that I can't wait that long, and the subject is in dire need of recognition now. So here I am. I have often told anyone who will listen that I truly am of the belief that every person that comes into your life has a reason for being there. They are there to teach you, to learn from you, to give you something or to take something that they need from you. The reasons for their visit in your life is sometimes not clear immediately...sometimes it takes years and years.

Many moons ago, after my father and mother had divorced, after dad and my first stepmom had divorced....back when dad was single.. He met Linda. They dated for several years, she helped my sister plan her wedding. She actually became good friends with Sandy(my mom) through the course of the wedding planning. Things didnt work out and dad and Linda broke up. A few more years went by and they realized what each of them had lost and they got back together. Here's how I found out..

Dad-" Linda and I are back together.... I'm gonna ask her to move in with me...how do you feel about that?"

Me-"what are you asking me for? Kris and I love her, she's a great person, you're over 20 years old....geez dad...just do it!!"

and so he did. During the course of of their living together, she helped him move out of the big house and into the home they now share. She helped MAKE the home they share a HOME. She saw me and my sister through a few hardships, she cried with us when mom got sick again. In 2008 dad and Linda got married....to celebrate they took the whole family on their belated honeymoon to Cancun Mexico.

As I said before...the reasons that these 'special' people come into our lives are not often immediately apparent....but I know why Linda is here. All year long, throughout mom's bouts with chemo and illness, she's been there for me and Kris. While working a full time job, she found the time to design and make quilts for us both for Christmas presents. She has always treated my kids as if they were her own grandchildren and my sister and I as if we were of her flesh. The pendants that we were given at Thanksgiving were partly designed by her and when mom died...I don't know who cried more...me or Linda.

I know why she's here.... I think the higher power(whatever you choose to call it) knew that Kris and I weren't finished needing a mom yet and dad needed someone to keep him in line....so that's why she's here. She's way more than a stepmom..and I won't be calling her that anymore. She's my 'Other' mother....and I'm very thankful to have her and we all love her very much.

Moving Forward....

Ever wonder why your car's front window is huge and your rearview mirror isn't? Because what's ahead is way more important than what's already behind you.

Usually, around this time of year I get all sentimental and retrospective and set goals for the coming year and tell you what I plan on doing....well, in the interest of shaking things up, I think I'm going to tell you what I WON'T be doing in the coming year.

I WON'T be doing any skydiving. The theory being, if at first you don't succeed...maybe skydiving isn't your sport. Since I'm the kind of person that needs to LEARN things and it usually takes me a couple tries before I get it right, I don't think there's a huge learning curve on this sport....so I will be passing on that.

I WON'T be swimming with sharks. One word- BITEY.

I WON'T be eating liver. I try not to consume anything that looks like it would be appetizing to a zombie. Just a 'thing' of mine.

Not gonna be doing any backpacking through the Himalayas. I don't know if there really IS an abominable snowman..but I'm not gonna take a chance on it.

I promise NOT to miss mom on days that don't end in Y. In that same vein, I will try NOT to look at the clock every day at 2pm and expect a phone call.

I will NOT be living my life in fear of what MIGHT happen.

I will NOT pass up the chance to randomly dance in parking lots, irritate other people with my insane knowledge of silly trivia, act immature, kiss under a full moon, or take a motorcycle ride up the river road ON MY OWN MOTORCYCLE!! : )

In short, I'm gonna be looking forward...not backwards. There will be no dwelling on what was or could have been. There will be...what is..and what could be.

It's a whole new year, I had my fill of sorrow in 2010, there won't be anymore of that in 2011. NOT if I have anything to do with it.

Legacy

In June of this year, my ailing mom decided that she needed some money.... as she had quite a few gold necklaces, a diamond tennis bracelet, assorted rings...she contacted my dad. Dad had been in the wholesale jewelry business for awhile and she knew that he would take care of this task for her. Dad contacted mom, told her what he could give her for the gold...but the diamonds...they were basically useless. Whenever a jeweler buys your gold...he takes the gold...and strips it of any stones and just pays you for the gold. The stones he uses in other pieces and you really don't get anything for that. Anyway....mom knew she was terminal..and she and dad decided that he needed to do something with the stones. Something special. something for my sister, my daughter and me.



Dad wanted to make sure we were all here today for Thanksgiving dinner....and when it was over he had the whole family go into the living room...and he explained what had happened. He told us how mom knew he was going to have something made for us,out of the stones from her jewelry, but she died before the finished product was revealed.



He gave each of us a gold wrapped box, Caitlin..was gifted with two.



When we opened our boxes....we each were made a pendant....shaped like a flower on a gold chain.Dad and Linda (my amazingly loving step mom)had designed the pieces Each petal of the flower was a diamond, my sister and daughter each got an emerald petal since their birthdays were in May. Caitlin's pendant was smaller, so she also got two smaller diamonds as stud earrings.



Sandra K. Garrett Jones would have been 68 years old on November 30th. Thanks mom, for the birthday present. It's beautiful.

The 7th best year.....

This time of year always makes me think of the things that were and the things yet to be. I got to thinking...(yes...I know that's just so NOT me...but bear with me) this has been one of my all time BEST years. Let me give you the rundown...and maybe get you to thinking about YOUR best years.

First off...it was Christmas 1969, I was 5, and an only child(till May of 1970). I got a pretend kitchen(stove, fridge, oven) a Mrs. Beasley doll, and a white sports car pedal car. Hmmmmm, girly stuff... AND tomboy stuff do I detect a pattern here?

Autumn of 1980. I turned 16, had the worlds weirdest sweet 16 party(at a shooting tournament at Busch Wildlife in Missouri). Anyone else have a birthday cake with a TARGET design in the frosting?? no? just me? Yeah...that's kinda what I thought. I got my first REALLY good kiss. Now some time for Good news/bad news. Good news - I got my driver's license. Bad news- I also got a 1978 mustard yellow Ford courier pickup truck featuring a gunrack AND a camper shell as a first vehicle.

October 1982- This was a bittersweet year. I had a full time job. I was single, I only had a car payment, no boyfriend, no worries..life was good. This was also the year my parents divorced. The lesson here was that relationships are NOT just black and white. There's a lot of gray area and it just doesn't get easier as you get older. It gets more complicated.

May 1987- My daughter was born. I was scared, excited, scared, thrilled...did I mention scared? Ultimately I figured out that she wasn't going to KNOW that I was a novice at this...so I needed to relax. Things went way better after that. Bachelor #1(my ex, her dad) was an over the road truck driver, so I was pretty much a single mom for the first 4 years of her life. We became the "2 Musketeers". My favorite phrase was.." ok Catie...what do you wanna do tonite??"

August 1993- My son was born. By this time I had sort of figured out the whole 'mom' thing, but one thing I hadn't ever dealt with? COLIC. God love him...my little angel was a perfect baby all day. He was smiling, cooing, and sweet...then 5pm hit and he'd become the demon seed. I would not have been more surprised if he spit pea soup all over me and his head spun round on his shoulders. We survived it. He got over the colic and all was well. I did kinda miss the 3am classical music and rocking him ..and rocking him...and rocking him till he would sleep.

June 2008- Taking back my life. Finding myself again. You never really know how lost you are, till you go trying to figure yourself out. I was so lost, I had no friends, my family barely knew me, my children had been alienated from me. Things were not good. Then I told bachelor #2 that it was over. Finally. I went to Cancun, Mexico with my family and without him and realized that the life I had lived up until that point was NOT all that it could be. When I got home, I was free, free of him and free of the old ideas.

November 2010- Another bittersweet year..All the things I've been working on for the past few years have come to fruition. I've got a whole circle of new friends, had some great relationships, reconnected with people from my past that have been treasures beyond measure. I learned that no matter what life throws at me, I can handle it. Usually with a laugh. Sometimes with some tears.

This year I lost my mom. It was, by far the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life, ever. Being there with her, when she needed me and my sister the most, is an experience I won't ever forget. I could wish that I didn't have to go through it, but that would be selfish. Her journey was over, and she's finally at peace and that's the natural order of things. Just to let you know, it's NOT like they show you on television and in movies. To see someone you love die is scary, and not pretty. You feel lost and out of control and the sounds and the sight of the experience will probably be with me for a long, long time.

No matter how much time you think you have... it's never enough. You HAVE to live each minute, not just exist...but LIVE. This was the year that I found out that the word 'family' means so much more than the people you were born to. It means so much more than where you come from. It's where you are going and who you choose to take along for the ride.

I'm so thankful for all these lessons...and so grateful for them. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Walking in Memphis....

I've recently become a fan of....the road trip.

Yes, I know that usually the appeal of 'the road trip' wanes as a person grows older. Well, as we've all discovered already, I'm just NOT your normal chick over 40.

I wasted(ok...that's a harsh word, I didn't really 'waste' anything) my youth, well the years between 19 and 29 years old anyway, on such frivolous pursuits as being a newlywed, having children and then raising them. I missed out on the college experience entirely and also on the chance to just go out into the wild blue yonder of the open road for fun and frolic with a group of friends or just one person. No agenda at all other than to find something cool, go to a sporting event, or hear a band I really liked.

The road trips of the past included a healthy dose of guilt and an overdose of relatives...usually mixed in with a holiday or birthday of some sort. Throw in a few surly teenagers or toddlers..and there you have it. Never a good recipe for 'fun and or frolic'.

Over the past month or so I've been to both a college football game and a rock concert. GO ME!! : ) Both these events involved road trips...and I learned a few things.

If your host and hostess want to dress up their vehicle with flags, magnetic signs and memorabilia for their chosen college team.....it usually makes for a REALLY fun ride. NEVER, ever dress in the opposing teams colors. I asked what the appropriate colors were before the game. Kentucky wildcats blue= BAD, Gamecock garnet = Good.
College football fans are rabid. It's not just life and death...its WAY more important and WAY more fun. *grins*

When 'walking in memphis' wear comfortable shoes, cause you're gonna be in them for awhile. I've been to concerts before...but usually they involved seats. I admit it, I was a novice. This time, however, I was a REAL concertgoer. I stood outside and explored the street in front of the venue with my partner in crime, T. We observed the local wildlife..and made notes of the local uniform. Note to self- Hoodies and skinny jeans are NOT for everyone and seriously...what is the appeal of the 'ear gauge'? Our tickets were checked by a guy that had to have been a giant in a former life and was a head taller than my date, which is saying something cause..he's impressive. We were ushered inside and came face to face with the Cookie Monster's younger sister. Black and pink hair, and an outfit by Cuisanart. one of the notable quotes of the nite " huh...and she looked in the mirror before leaving the house and thought....'damn..I look good'"

We made it down front and were fourth row from the front....where we stayed for the next 5 hours. Through four different bands, one of which had a song named "shut the hell up" we all got to sing the chorus...and we meant it. The concensus of the crowd was...."please...shut the hell up!" we saw: The Few-very good...the lead singer had a voice very much like Amy Lee of Evanescence and their color coordinated black and neon green outfits were just beyond cute. Not to mention their "come on and lets put on a show" attitude was infectious. Crushing Juliet- yet another quote of the nite "dang...the bassist is pretty!!" and he was. There was NO shortage of guyliner or hair product in that band. They were pretty good too, but we couldnt hear the lead singer. It was either fate, or smart soundboarding. We'll never know.
Next up, Spyder Rockets..Yeah. The name was a harbinger of the terror that was to follow. Their best song: "shut the hell up" kinda says it all, doesnt it?

and the last band to perform before OUR band played was SORE EYES. They were actually pretty good...except the lead singer was kinda a whiny little guy who griped about how no one would come out to support Memphis music...(uh...we were there...in memphis...at a concert..what do ya call that?). He also welcomed his friends from all over and encouraged them to Mosh and crowd surf. uh...WHAT? These Yahoos rushed the stage and attempted to crowd surf over a group of 18-25 year olds(and me and T) None of us were having it. We didnt participate. There's nothing more disappointing than a denied crowd surfer. Nor is there anything more angry.

Next they started trying to get us all to MOSH. They started slamming against us nearly knocking a few of the more slight down, and to be honest...I got a little scared. A young couple that was standing next to us..and who had been hanging out with us outside the venue got roughed up a little...and into a little altercation. They ended up being thrown out along with the Yahoos who started the whole thing. Now that I have time to reflect on the whole thing...I remembered something. When The whole thing got started I got knocked around a little too, until I felt two big strong arms around me and a solid presence at my back. It was nice to have someone around who literally..."had my back". It was a new experience for me and one I kinda liked.

Finally....OUR band started. YAY! Framing Hanley was really good. They sounded just as good as they do on YOUTUBE. I wish they would have done T's favorite song. or mine. BUT they were still GREAT. Another little Yahoo tried to muscle his way past T to get closer to the front...it was kinda funny. Have you ever seen someone picked up by their hoodie and physically set down a foot back from their chosen destination? TRULY entertaining. The look on the kid's face was memorable.(ANOTHER note to self- NEVER get between T and his music. NEVER).

We bought a couple Cd's on the way out, visited with the kids from THE FEW.. got some makeup and hair tips from the guys in CRUSHING JULIET, walked right past all the SPYDERROCKETS, and glared at SORE EYES. All in all...the whole thing was quite an adventure.

You know, the thing I'm learning is, life isnt so much about the goal...as it is all the side trips along the way and the people you take with you. Take the wrong people..and its a whole different trip.

The note in the book at Borders

Last night I went out to dinner with friends and afterwards we stopped into Borders to browse the books and have a coffee drink for dessert. While we were there......I happened upon a series of books called POST SECRETS..



The concept was simple, the author placed ads in newspapers around the country asking people to send him their confessions or secrets, happy or sad, anonymously..on post cards. He then took all the anonymous secrets and published a book and then another book....and then...another book. The series spawned a website.



http://www.postsecret.com/



while I was in Borders looking through a book of POST SECRETS....a note fell out.

it read: "I'm Bipolar... will anyone ever love all of me and my different moods?"



I kept the note because I found it incredibly sad that this person has no one to tell their secret to. They have no one to confide in and take comfort from, but most importantly, they don't know that there IS hope. That if they seek help, they can have a normal life, they can know love...and happiness. It won't be an easy journey and I don't know from personal experience how hard a journey it will be, but I know they can do it. With the right help and support, they can make it.



If you know someone who is hurting, tell them there is hope. So that they won't write an anonymous note and leave it in a book...for a stranger to ponder over.



"Dear stranger-

I'm thinking of you right now...and I'm hoping that you get the help you need and find the love you so richly deserve."

Just when ya thought.....

I've been kind of lax on the postings lately...but..



I've been busy, LIVING my life...and not just writing about all the stuff I want to do....I've actually been DOING stuff. : )I've also been busy "counseling" my friends(I seem to be the Dr. Phil of my group) and just taking each day as it comes. Thanks to FACEBOOK I've gotten back in touch with old friends and realized how precious they really are. Thanks to a couple of dating sites...I've run into a whole other batch of people ...some were potential dates that ended up as trusted friends and confidants.(Mark- "I was depressed...so I went shopping" Me- "oh god...what did you buy?" Mark-"well....I got a really great shirt that makes my eyes 'pop' and a couple of ties and a jacket and..." Me-" is your girlfriend aware that you are my best gay heterosexual friend?" Mark"yeah...she knows..she loves it when I shop for her.")

I've become the 'go to' gal for several of my male friends. Whenever they have problems or concerns with 'women' stuff...they come to me. One guy's therapist said I was 'very wise'. I think she needs a little...'therapy' herself...but whatever.

L is devastated. He wants so badly to be loved and have someone in his life. He hates being alone. Its really hard...because I know what he's going through. Everyone just wants to be 'the one' to someone. He's doing a lot better...but he has a ways to go. I've been trying to get him to just live the adventure...and take each day as it comes. Doesnt make it any easier on him...but he'll make it. I know he can.

and then....there's me. I'm going to the gym nightly...working on my physical self as well as my mental state. Going out....doing things i've never done before.

Road Trip to a college football game...COOLEST THING EVER.

Playing roulette.....and winning... Second coolest thing ever.

Solo motorcycle rides around town... exhilarating beyond imagination.(even better on a full moon night...*grins*)

Being treated like I always dreamed I would be and never really thought would happen.... better than I ever thought possible.

I marvel now at the group of friends I've gathered around me in the last few years. Hard to believe that just a few short years ago...I had no one. Seriously. NO ONE. Never again will I let someone isolate me like that. EVER.

Its amazing how just opening yourself up to the universe and all its possibilities can enrich you beyond your wildest dreams. Take a chance...you never know where it might lead.

I'm fine...thanks. : )

I recently started working out at a nearby health club. This place opened up about 7 months ago about 5 blocks from my place and I had been driving by it thinking to myself "I need to join...I need to join...etc"

So, I did. I've been going there for a few weeks now in the mornings and there's this older couple (in their 70's) that are always already there when I get there. When I went to work out monday morning....they weren't there. I panicked. I've come to enjoy seeing them. I've never actually spoken to either of them, but it's like they're family. Yeah, don't get me started on how strange THAT seems.

Tuesday arrived...and still they weren't there. I was really wondering now. so I went to work out on Wednesday morning..and they were there! YAY. She was riding the stationary bike(her usual) and he was on the treadmill already(he usually works out with the weightlifters and then does the treadmill to finish off). I walked by him and he smiled at me as I took my place on one of the treadmills down from him. I did my 2 miles....and smiled to myself about how healthy they looked and how stupid I was for worrying after their welfare.

He finished his workout and was standing there talking to a fellow gym goer when she walked out of the machine area looking for him. I watched her eyes search the room for him....and I saw her smile and light up when she spotted him and she walked over to him. I watched them...and it struck me that they were like that 'other'old couple that I saw a couple years ago. The ones I saw at the post office right after bachelor #2 and I separated. It's funny how I can spot real, true love now. It shines like a beacon, sparkles like a diamond, it made her glow as she walked across that gym floor. He lit up when he saw her walking toward him. I witnessed it all.

How many times do we not even notice the love all around us? How many times do we ignore it when it finds us? I watched them, and again it struck me that it might be something I'll never actually have, and I felt a few tears as they fell on my skin...and I pretended it was sweat and I pretended I wasn't crying. Then I thought about how far I'd come in a couple years...the goals I have achieved(got my motorcycle certification this past week, working on getting my physical self together now, was there with my mom when she needed me the most) and I realized that even if I don't find THAT kind of love....I am rich in so many other ways. Rich in close friendships and the love of my children and family. I smiled then.

yup, I'm just fine. :)

Weekend mornings...

Saturday and sunday mornings are tougher than I thought they would be.

Mom used to call me by 10am... If I didn't call her first. Oh...she would ALSO call every day between 4pm and 6pm. EVERY DAY. : ) It was her habit....and as many times as I tried to change it, couldn't be done. No matter how many times I told her that my life was NOT that interesting...that nothing happened.. didn't matter. She was just trying to keep connected to me and my life. I see it now...at the time, I didn't.

The weekend morning calls were the ones that were more interesting....we'd get into discussions on religion, politics, relationships...all the good stuff. Along with the minute details that make up a life well lived. We'd talk about all the adventures I wanted to take...all the adventures she didn't take...but sometimes wished she had.

so now...I just have the conversation in my head....it's not as satisfying....but it goes something like this..

"hey mom....what's up? yeah? it's that quiet? well....play some of your favorite Elvis tunes...shake things up a bit!! Ohhh...I don't think he'd mind...I'm sure God has a great sense of rhythm.... or better yet...play some Def Leppard!! (laughs) ok..maybe not. Yeah, Russ is doing ok...he misses you a lot...we all do..

NO...we're all fine, mom. Really. It was your time!! It's what was best. Me?? oh..things are good.. NOOOOO, I'm not seeing anyone seriously.... PUHLEEZE!! who would put up with me?? (laughs) eh...stop with the worrying...I'm just gonna do my adventures...and the right guy will either come along...or he won't..either way...I'll live the life I want..right? Nope...not a regret at all. I have a great network of friends...it's not like it used to be.

Well...yeah...sometimes I miss having someone around...but for the most part...I don't mind being alone! No..REALLY! I've always been like that...you know that! Give me a good book to read and a couch to snuggle into and I'm fine. and then there's my motorcycle... Don'T start!! YES.....I'm very careful!! I promise... oh...you have to go now? Einstein invited you to play scrabble?? seriously?? Don't let him cheat you again!! take the dictionary!! yes...I love you too... "

or....something like that. : )

The story of "love you forever"

If you notice....on the things I've written about my mom, Sandy, I usually finish with this phrase:
"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my mommy you'll be"

There is a story behind it.

A Loooong time ago...in a far away land called ROXANA, my younger sister worked in a daycare center. As part of her workday she would read to the children, often letting them choose the book. One of the books that they loved to hear was " I love you forever". it's a very simple little book and it tells a great story. I urge ALL PARENTS TO GET THIS BOOK!! NOW.

It tells the story of a young mother with her first child. she brings the baby home...and as she rocks her son to sleep she croons...."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

As the child grows, she continues this tradition..even when he's two years old..and he drives her crazy...she still rocks him to sleep with......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

Even when he's a teenager..and a brat...and she can't stand him and he can't stand her.... she waits till he's asleep..and she hugs him and whispers......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

and when he goes to college...and he has his own place....and he's freaking out over finals...she drives across town...and she waits till he's asleep..hugs him and whispers......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

and then..the mother is very old...and is in a nursing home..and the MAN that the baby has become drives to the nursing home and visits his mother...and HE holds her and he whispers.... ...."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my mama, you'll be".

and then...he goes home...and he picks up HIS new baby girl...and he picks her up..and rocks her to sleep...and he says......."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

when I had Caitlin.....my mother bought this book for me.....and I've lost it now..but I intend to get it back. For mother's day a few years back....my sister and I bought it for mom...

when we were looking for something for mom to wear to her funeral....we found the book...and we took turns inscribing it...with our own messages...and she rests with it now.

and we truly do.

...."love her forever, I'll like her for always, forever and ever, our mama, she'll be".

Sandy

How do you sum up a person’s life in so small a space? You can’t. So..instead I’ll just tell you about her. The person she is…the person she was.. the person you’ll never know.Sandra K(not KAY…just…K) was born to Randell and Viola Garrett on November 30th some 66 years ago I can’t tell you the EXACT year…because she told my sister and I that she was 29 years old for so many years that I honestly lost track. Until as recently as a couple years ago…that was her answer if you dared to ask her age.

Life in the Garrett household was not easy. Sandy(as she preferred to be called) was the middle child. Her younger sister, Patty Ann was a constant companion and to her older brother, Travis, the two girls were a constant source of irritation. There was no money for luxuries…there was just the necessities and a lot of love, but the Garrett kids learned early on that anything worth having was worth working hard for. And so they did. Randell worked on a commercial crop farm, and as they got older the kids each did their share of farm work, picking cotton, de-silking corn, you name it, they probably did it.

The family moved to Arizona and that’s where Sandy graduated high school. She wasn’t a cheerleader, and never really ran with the popular crowd. She did have a close circle of friends that she associated with and I heard random stories about their adventures. The times they skipped school to go shopping in Phoenix. How they ‘borrowed’ a friend’s brother’s car for the day and were grounded for weeks after. Sandy wasn’t afraid to take a chance, make a mistake, or tell you her thoughts on any subject. In fact, for her to hold her tongue about how she really felt would be a rare occasion indeed.

It was in Arizona that she met Anthony Venezia, they were married in 1962 and had two daughters, Kelli in October of 1964(the oldest and most diplomatic) and Kris in May of 1970(the younger and more opinionated). The family settled in South Roxana, Illinois when Anthony got a job at McDonnell Douglas- a St. Louis aeronautics firm. Sandy worked part time for a local trucking firm for a time and then got a job at KMART in the Jewelry department. She eventually worked her way up to the business office where she remained until she retired. As is often the case in life, things did not go as planned and Anthony and Sandra divorced in 1982. They remain friends to this day.

When Kris graduated from high school, Sandra decided to move back to her roots. She moved to East Prairie, Missouri to be near the rest of the Garrett clan. In 1991 she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. At this same time her father, Randell and her Sister in law, Dorothy were also battling cancers of their own. Sandra worked full time, went to chemotherapy, and tried to help care for them as well. Her strength and will were so superhuman that the reason she was diagnosed with Lymphoma in the first place was that she fainted at work and was forced by her supervisor to go to the emergency room. Her nurse remarked that Sandra was a ‘legend’ on the floor. Sandra asked “why am I such a legend?” and the nurse replied….”usually when people enter the hospital with blood counts as low as yours…they’re already dead… “

While being treated for her cancer, Sandra lost all her hair…and took to wearing a wig or a turban. She earned the nickname, Suburban Turban from Patty Ann. Sandra won that battle with cancer, but her father and Dorothy did not. They died 6 months apart in the winter of 1992.

It was on or about this time that Rusty Jones came into town to visit his old buddy Travis Garrett(Sandy’s older brother…remember) Russ and Sandra had dated way back in the day…prior to Rusty shipping out for the Navy. The two dated and were married a few months later. They decided that life was too short not to do what you REALLY wanted to do, and what they REALLY wanted….was to be together.

During the course of their marriage…they lived in Mississippi and Kentucky…. They traveled all over the west(a dream of Sandy’s)…visiting Idaho, and Montana, and Colorado.It seemed like they always were doing a lot of traveling to East Prairie, though…so they settled there 10 years ago. Russ and Sandra were both retired by this time…and they planned on just enjoying the rest of their lives together.

Here again….as is often the case, life never quite works out as you planned it. Sandy was again diagnosed with Lymphoma in June of 2008. This time it was a more aggressive strain. It resisted treatment and it weakened her horribly. Sandy lost her battle on July 17, 2010.

I just want to say this: My sister and I are so lucky to have been raised by this incredible woman. She and my father taught us that our opinion counted…even if it might be wrong. That to think for ourselves was not only expected, but encouraged. That tolerance of another person’s beliefs was not only the right thing to do…but just plain necessary to get through life, that if we wanted something…we had to work hard for it.

NO SUBJECT was taboo at our dinner table. We talked about the divorce rate, abortion, homosexuality, animal cruelty, nuclear disarmament, religion, dating, sex and what our favorite foods were. Mom was selfish, compassionate, stubborn, intelligent, funny, stubborn, (I know I said it before..but she is..)opinionated, beautiful, and strong.

She loved reading trashy romance novels, she would get cold when the temperature dropped below 75, her favorite snack was banana pepper rings and brick cheese slices, her favorite show of all time was MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN(the chicken soup drowning episode made mom laugh so loud, it woke me up from a sound sleep when she watched it). Mom, Kris and I watched THE CAROL BURNETT show every Saturday night when I was growing up…her personal favorite episode was the GONE WITH THE WIND parody…she often sewed mine and my sister’s and some of her own clothes. My favorite of her creations were the New Year’s Eve formal dresses she would make. When she became a grandmother for the first time, in 1987, she picked a newborn Caitlin up, looked her straight in the eye and said..." I hate to break it to you, but I'm NOT one of those 'cookie-baking' grandmas..I promise we'll have a good time anyway". In 1993, when Curt was born...she gave him the same speech.

She never thought she was beautiful….but I’ve often been told by friends how beautiful she was. Over the years…she’s taught my sister, myself and her grandchildren,that strength doesn’t necessarily mean muscles, that real courage is sometimes the quiet still voice inside saying…”I will try again tomorrow” and that intelligence doesn’t necessarily mean a college degree. I hope someday to be just like her when I grow up…and I pray every day…that my children think they are HALF as lucky as I feel right now.

I love you forever, I’ll like you for always….forever and ever…my mommy, you’ll be.

In my mother's eyes...

When people who know my mother meet me for the first time they usually say the same thing:" oh, you have your mother's eyes!"

and it's true. I do. Mom has the strangest color eyes...they are the most peculiar shade of green/gold. They change color with her mood, or what she's wearing, or depending on what the lighting is. It used to bother me, I'd not look people in the eye for fear they'd see the weird color.

I think of them a little differently now. Whenever I look in a mirror...I see her eyes staring back at me. It comforts me somewhat, because I know I'll always have something of her within me. I wonder if I will see the world the way she did. I wonder if I would have the courage to do the things she's had to do. I like to think she sees things just a little bit differently than anyone else on the planet. I like that.

These eyes are a family trait. My son has them as does my daughter. In fact a few months ago my daughter and I were heading on a road trip to visit my mom. We stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank on our way out of town. I was paying at the cash register and the attendant looked me in the eye. "You're Caitlin's mom...aren't you?" I laughed at him and said that I was and asked him how he knew.

"she has your eyes."

how to let go......

I've been pretty open about this journey that I'm on...much to the consternation of my friends and family, I'm sure. I just look at it this way...In my struggles...maybe someone will see something in themselves that will inspire...or be a good warning.

Oh well...as one of my facebook posse posted today... this is Basic Truth #1- There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. With that comes the only basic duty. The duty to take the consequences.

Here's the thing....if you are doing as you "damn well please" and you're going along and you're living your life...and you build yourself this nice, solitary life... What is the consequence of that? You become aloof, cold, remote. To the point that you forget what it feels like to interact with others. You forget what it means to care. Then, when you have convinced yourself that you are content with that life a person comes along and reminds you of all the things you are missing by being solitary.

This isn't me...it's someone else...I entered his life...and reminded him of all the things he wanted but felt he couldn't have. I seem to stumble upon these people that see something in me that fills a void in their own soul...for awhile. He warned me not to care...that he had demons he had yet to share. He was right.. He confessed his many sins(not really that many...but to him, monumental)...and I realized the truth of what he said.

I bear him no animosity...I think he is very noble. He was honest, both with me as well as himself. At least he didn't try to cover up his flaws, he didn't try to convince me of a normalcy that he really didn't own(something bachelor #2 could've done...but didn't). I wish him peace..I treasure the times we did have...and all the things he taught me. The unyielding support...the pride in my small accomplishments.

I just can't seem to cut people out of my life like some people can..which is fine..I accept it. It gives me a circle of people who will in some small way always care. Even if only a tiny bit. In the long run...I think I'll be a more fulfilled person because of it.

Sometimes the relationships between people have to change in scope and nature in order to grow beyond what you even imagined they could be. So...it's time to let go of what was...embrace what is....and look forward to what will be. It's gonna be good. : )

Let the Valendoom's day blog begin

"Love is like a firefly....hard to catch..and even harder to keep alive."

This is Valentine's day, a day that Hallmark has deemed THE day to celebrate love and lovers. I would really like to take this opportunity to flip Hallmark a big EFF U.

Why do we wait till February 14? Why can't we just celebrate emotions AS we have them. Why wait? Why do people absolutely FREAK THE HELL OUT if you show the least bit of interest in them. "hey, I like you..doesn't mean I'm in love with you or implies any kind of commitment on my part...it just means...I'm comfortable with you, you're fun to hang out with, and it would bug me immensely if you fell off the planet." I dare you, say that to someone and watch them stutter, mumble and mutter something about how they have to wash their cat.

Well, here's an idea. Lets take a moment to appreciate the people we care about. The family we choose for ourselves, our friends.(and our families...let's not forget them).

So here goes. I love you. Cait and Curt...you are truly the loves of my life. I don't know where or who I would be without you two in my life. I'm so glad I'm your mom. It's been the best, most rewarding, exasperating experience...love every minute of it.

Boo (silver, striped tabby cat), though you can't read..thank you for being the one guy I can count on to cuddle with me at night...no matter what pajamas I'm wearing. Your soft purring lulls me to sleep.

and to my "posse"...you know who you are. Thanks for just being there...for the laughs...the phone calls at 2am...the texts...life is bearable and fun because you're in it.

Have a lovely Valentine's Day....and remember to appreciate the people you care about...every day...NOT just on February 14.

Grand Adventures......

"Grand adventures await those who are willing to turn corners......."- Fortune cookie.

This is not news to me. Just as it is not news that I am going to get my motorcycle license...I am going to take a cross country trip someday.. I'm going to write about it.... none of these things will happen if I play it 'safe'. If I stay on the straight and narrow...always doing the responsible thing...waiting for my eventual death of old age and boredom.

I found "Blue" on Ebay. I got the notion a few weeks ago...watch the motorcycle auctions...and see what the prices were like. I figured if I could find a bike cheap enough...(under $700.00) I'd buy one. I had my income tax windfall coming in...why not help out the economy..spend it foolishly??I never really thought I would find a halfway decent bike.

I watched "Blue" for 3 days...never bidding. "Blue" is a vintage(used) 1981 Honda CM400C. She has some miles on her(but so do I) she has a great leather seat(ok..mine's not leather), perky headlights (no comment). She's been through some stuff, but she would be good for me to have some adventures with. I can't explain it, I had to bid on her.

When it got down to the final hour...I made my move. The auction was due to end in 20 minutes....I set a maximum bid of $650.00. I waited and I watched. I was the high bidder. HUH??? SERIOUSLY??!! I kept refreshing the screen....5 minutes....4 minutes....3....2....1. OH MY GAWD. I just bought a freakin motorcycle for the grand total of $611.00.

Me, being a modern girl....I sent out email notifications. The response was overwhelming and positive for the most part....(no word from dad yet....). Mom never checks email, so I had to tell her on the phone. She took the news rather well. For a while. She called me back a few hours later. She has a bad feeling. She feels I didn't think it through. She feels its too dangerous. She feels I'm not being responsible. I'm someone's mother, I should be more responsible.

Well, here's the thing. For the first Forty years of my life, I did the responsible thing, the safe thing, what I was told to do. So did mom. For all her life. you know what it got us? NOT a lot(well, ok...I got two fabulous offspring). She got cancer. She waits to see if she'll get better or worse. I'm just starting to see that the world extends far beyond the boundaries of Illinois. That if you just open yourself up to the universe, magic can happen.

So....do I spend what's left of my life playing it safe? Do I never take a risk on the offchance that I might get hurt? Do I sit all cocooned up in my nice safe place where everything is familiar and no one can hurt me? I'll be safe that way. But I'll never learn that way. I'll never love that way. There is no safe. I can get killed eating a hamburger from McDonald's(Ecoli). I can get killed driving to work in the morning(ice, snow, other driver). I can get raped, murdered and left for dead along any highway anywhere and no one would know for days...weeks...months. That's not living. It's barely even existing.

Nah. I think I'll just take a trip round the corner....see what adventure lies in wait. Meet ya there. If you're game. : )

What to do......

Sooooo What do you do when you're not sure what to do??

Hmmmmm, that's my conundrum. I find myself in a situation that I haven't been in for a very long time. I am finding that I really, really like someone. To the point of idiocy. Why does all our common sense flee us when we come face to face with attraction and humor and intelligence?

I find myself back in high school. The girl in the back of the class. Quiet girl, big eyes. Always thinking, wondering. What would it be like? To be wanted?
Wishing I knew what this person was feeling, if anything at all.

Standing on the cliff...wondering if it's worth the trip down.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, but this is what I'm going to do. Just live. I'm not going to wonder anymore. I'm just going to live my life to the best of my ability...and find what joy there is to find.

Because in the end people will feel or not feel as is their want and their inclination. We have no power over it and it's sheer lunacy to think that we do. It doesn't change my worth as a person. It doesn't make my spirit any less amazing.

this is why......

Sometimes when I tell people that I "blog", well, I get some very strange looks. I can see what these people are thinking..."she LOOKS sane.....but...." I know that it doesn't seem to be a very worthwhile pursuit. What could I possibly get out of this? Telling the world my most private thoughts...my dreams..my aspirations. I've dumped so much stuff out here...all the contents of my brain at any given moment. You always wonder if anyone is really reading this stuff or if it's just taking up valuable(yeah..right) cyberspace.

I recently got an answer. A few days ago...I got a call. This person who had been having a rather tough few months wanted to thank me. ME!! Can you believe it?? I was speechless..WHAT did I do?? How did I do anything?? All I did was scribble down a few musings...give some thanks where I felt it was due. In examining my own life,this person saw something of themselves in something of mine. It caused them to re-evaluate and make changes. Just that small step set them on the path to their dreams. It means so much when someone tells you that you make a difference, that you're NOT nuts, there is a rhyme and a reason for what you do.

There are people in our lives who make a difference. Every day. It's never too late to tell someone that they make a difference in your life. It's never too late to inspire someone without even trying. Never.

User handbook for the year 2010

HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar..
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants...
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
40. Please share this to everyone you care about, I just did.

"Let us not drink to the past, but to the future."
-- Anonymous