into the wild blue yonder....with sis.

Once upon a time...there was a man, his name was Brian. He fell in love and proposed to a woman named Marcy. They planned a beautiful wedding in the great state of Texas. I, being a close friend of the groom, was invited to this momentous occasion.

I received the invitation in September for the October 29th wedding and since my boyfriend was not sure of his work schedule, I invited my sister to go with me. This would mean a few flights and a 4 day mini-vacation in San Antonio, Texas.

This was going to be a totally different trip than the trips of our youth. First of all, there would be no parents to monitor us. We were going to be completely unsupervised!! This could go several different ways and bail money might be involved, but the plans were made anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, and I'm pretty sure she loves me, but we haven't spent 4 days alone together since....um...well...ever. I was actually looking forward to this and so was she. I spent the night at her place the night before the trip and we set off for the airport at 4am the next morning. When she suggested the timing I kinda thought she was nuts. As it turned out it worked out perfect. We made it through security with no problems and I was almost disappointed that I didn't get felt up by a TSA agent.

We made our connecting flights, our baggage fit in the overhead compartments, we didn't have to put up with misbehaving children or overbearing seatmates. Our traveling went amazingly well.

I wasn't sure what to expect at the wedding festivities, but my sister and I were treated like members of the groom's family. We were called the 'plus twos' because I was like a bonus family member and Kris was MY plus one. We were at the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the reception and the brunch the day after. It was like a family reunion for a family that we didn't even know we had.

Things I learned in San Antonio:

1. Boy, those Texans do love their turnarounds and one way streets.

2. If you're getting on the highway, you best do it fast because you will get run over.

3. If I think I'm going the right way, the GPS says I'm going the right way and my sister tells me to take the next turnaround and go back... DON'T DO IT.

4. According to my sister. I snore. Loudly.

5. Without the distractions of children and husbands and significant others, my sister and I genuinely like each other for the people we've become.

When all was said and done the trip was a huge success. I got to see a treasured friend celebrate his love with a marriage ceremony, I can now truthfully say 'I remember the Alamo.' and I got to know my little sister a little bit better. I think mom would have liked that.

The 'Fun' Part(Alton Telegraph- 10-9-11)

On the first day of October in every year since 1964 an event is celebrated that is of absolutely no import to anyone but me.Well, that’s not exactly true. My family and children help me to commemorate it. That makes me....um...NOT young anymore. This is fine, after all that is the natural order of things. I’ll take it over the alternative every day of the week. I’ve spent this day in the company of my only daughter. We went over to the Galleria, had lunch, I got a makeover. There were a couple of phone call serenades from my boyfriend who is working out of town. It’s been very nice. It’s so funny how people are about aging, though.

While we were at the mall and the makeup artist was doing my face, we talked about how it was my birthday and I told her my age. "Oh…we don’t talk about ages! Never!" And I replied… "Why not? I’m proud of it. I earned every one of these years." And it’s true.

The lessons of my youth are now being put to practical use. All that stuff that I was told "you’ll understand when you’re older," I totally get that now. It’s like everything is starting to click. The complexities of male / female relationships are finally a little easier for me. I’ve learned that you can be a strong, independent woman, be part of a relationship and still not lose your identity. The childbearing years are over for me, and even though I treasured the babies I had, I really love seeing how my kids interact with the world on their terms and I really love the way our relationships have developed.I’m not just "Mom." I’m also someone that they like to be around. This is way more fun than I ever imagined. I’ve reached the point where I’m no longer the girl I used to be, but I’m well on my way to becoming the old woman I always hoped I would end up being. I am right, smack-dab in the middle of what I like to call....the "fun" part.

The fun part is different for everyone. Some people look fondly back at their childhood as the best years of their lives. Others seem to live perpetually in high school, reliving past glory days and festering old wounds. That just seems so sad to me. It seems like such a waste to spend your whole life looking backwards. Why not enjoy where you are now and look forward to the road ahead? It can be anything you want it to be.
Someday (not today!) I get to be a cool grandma. I’m not going to be one of those cookie-baking, ornament-making, knitting type grandmas, either. Oh no. I have plans for the kind of old lady I’m going to be.

A few years back, it was Social Security day and I was a bank teller. Direct deposit was not as prevalent then as it is now, so the lines of customers who were waiting to cash their monthly checks was pretty impressive. Seeing so many senior citizens in one place at one time made me and several of my coworkers think about our own lives and what the future had in store for us.
At lunch a group of us were discussing our respective futures. A few people said they would be grandparents or world travelers, maybe "snowbirds" that would spend their winters in warmer climates and their summers in this area. I decided then and there that the traditional role was not going to be my destiny.

I would start a senior citizen motorcycle club. We would be known as the Silver Foxes (so named for our gorgeous silver hair). We would ride through the drive through at the bank when we got our Social Security checks. We would rev the engines of our custom motorcycles, wearing our leather jackets, while waiting in line to cash our social security checks. Then we would probably hit a few yard sales and maybe go to lunch.

At the time the prospect seemed rather fanciful and I got a lot of laughs. You want to know the really funny part? I got my motorcycle license last year around this time; all I need now is the motorcycle and jacket. If I didn’t dye my hair, it would be silver. All the pieces are falling into place; I’m just waiting until I can assemble the rest of a respectable group. I’ll be taking applications in a few years. It’s going to be so much fun.

The Fondest Wish

Last Wednesday I stayed home from work because I was sick. Nothing major...just a flu bug or something. Obviously, I survived. : ) So I went back to work Thursday morning, Not exactly bright eyed and bushy tailed...but hey I was there. I went into the kitchen on break to grab a cup of coffee and there on the little breakroom table sat 3 cellophane wrapped fortune cookies. Lunch on the day of my absence must have been chinese. I have never been able to resist a defenseless fortune cookie. I have even stooped so low as to wheedle fortune cookies away from their rightful owners....all to get a glimpse of my own selfish future. tsk tsk.
      Anywhooooo, when I broke open the treat the fortune read " Your fondest wish will come true" and of course the obligatory lucky numbers. WOW. Fondest Wish. Hmmmmmm. Well, since this brain works a little differently than that of most humans, I didn't immediately wish for lottery fortunes or anything obvious like that. I started thinking about all the things I'd wished for in the past...the ones that came true as well as the ones that didn't.

      When I was 6 ,I wished with all my heart for a puppy....instead I got my sister.. I'm kinda glad that one worked out the way it did. When I was 10 I wished to be able to play "ARMY" with the boys at recess and NOT be relegated to the role of 'Nurse'.. I wanted to have a gun too...dang it! Well, three years later I got my wish. Dad signed me up to be on his company's rifle team. Got a bunch of trophies too. *grin*

      At 15, I suffered a massive crush on one of the most popular boys in school..I wished to be thought of as more than just the shy girl who sat behind him in math class and seemed to say something funny every once in awhile. Ok, I'll admit it...I wished he would kiss me. That one didn't come true. Well, not for many, many years anyway. It was worth the wait...my 15 year old inner self was quite thrilled about the whole thing.

      There always seemed to be something to wish for, something just beyond my reach. As if wishing for something really made it happen. I know its really more a consequence of working towards a goal and circumstances working in my favor. Still I wished. The wishes became less superficial and selfish as I got older and my life's priorities shifted....and I wished for things for the people I cared about. That my children would be healthy and happy and grow up to be the kind of people I would want them to be. That my parents would find happiness and be healthy. That my sister and brother in law would have the life they wanted. That Mom would not be in pain anymore, that we'd have more time. Most of these wishes came true....

      And now, this wish. I'm in the unique position of having nothing to wish for. I'm happy, independent, in a healthy relationship. I don't have a lot of money...and that's ok, I don't need a lot. What I do have is way more than what a lot of people have and I'm grateful for it. When I told my boyfriend about the fortune he said " That's pretty cool....what is your fondest wish??" I smiled to myself and said...." Just for us to be happy.."

      "sounds like a good wish to me...." he said. Yeah....I think so too.

Magnificent Obsessions

I thought I was the only one who had an obsession. I was sooooo wrong. I was five years old when I discovered that if you arranged letters a certain way...it made words. If you arranged words a certain way...it makes whole sentences. When you string a whole bunch of sentences together, you can express yourself and your thoughts. Books became my obsession because they contained all those wonderful words and sentences strung together to create whole worlds I could lose myself in for hours and days on end. Until I finished the book. This is my obsession. My parents accepted it. People I've loved have either accepted it...or hated it. Bachelor #1 never quite understood because reading was a struggle for him. Bachelor #2 was jealous of anytime spent reading. If I was in another world, obviously I was paying not enough attention to him.

When you can find someone who accepts you for your obsession...its an amazing, wonderful thing. Seems like you can search your whole life for that and never find it.Several of my friends have found that person who knows them and their obsessions..and accepts them. Paul and Julie have that. Heck they even share an obsession for vintage decorations which they change for every season. Halloween and Christmas are AWESOME, but all the other holidays and seasons are equally represented. Of course, Paul does have one other obsession...bicycles. It took over their garage to the point that it has become a side business. Julie has a fixation of her own too, wine and shoes.

Darrell collects old coins...and when I say old, what I really mean is ANCIENT. I went to he and his wife, Carrie's house once and made the mistake of asking about a recent coin show. I ended up with a total history of a coin that was probably minted when Ceaser walked the earth and I even got to hold it. I haven't discerned yet what Carrie's fixation is, but I think it might be organizing football team schedules. NO, I think that's just a necessity in dealing with her husband and son's sports.

Lance is a totally different kettle of fish. His fixations range from rabid political debate to sports, baseball particularly. But....He does have a bike collection. Only Schwinn's for some strange reason. hmmm, go figure. I haven't heard about any new acquisitions lately, I think because his wife, Michelle, threatened bodily harm.

Now, the BF is a unique case. He's not fascinated by anything small like coins.. He loves arcade games and pinball games. He collects them. When I first saw his living room...I must admit it threw me for a loop. Not a lot of people have pinball games and arcade games in their living room. Then, I had to put things in perspective..he's single, it's his house, he's a guy. Why not? I faced my own obsession and realized that if MY fixation was out in the open, it just wouldn't be pretty. The only reason no one knows is because all my books are in a HUGE plastic storage container in my basement, and in my leather storage trunk in my living room, and in the wicker storage trunk I use as a side table and on my bookshelves.

We also share an obsession or two. We have a love of going out on adventures, mostly on two wheels. Wind in our hair, music cranking loudly.

But here's the thing...not only does he accept my "book problem" he texted me today that he had found something really special for me. For most women, you would buy flowers or candy, right? Nope..not for me. My guy got me: a Libre E-reader. It's pre-loaded with 100 books!! Classics that I haven't read but have been meaning to all my life. I nearly wept. That's never happened to me before. Someone got me something that I never even knew I always wanted. How cool is that when someone 'gets' you? Pretty freakin awesome is what it is.

four words.....

Just four words. They've come to mean a lot to me lately -'Wish you were here'. Always before I could be perfectly happy left to my own devices. Of course, there were times when I would wish for the company of a significant other. I just didn't stress over it, I just would lose myself in a book or become wrapped up in a movie and the longing would pass.

You can tell that you've met someone important in your life when the times when you wish for their company become more often than the times when you don't mind your own solitude. You find yourself wanting their presence as witness to the most mundane things. You need them there with you when you're not at your best to remind you that you're worthy of this relationship. After a rough day at work, you just want someone to commiserate with who will offer you solace and support.

Laughing at a movie is not as much fun alone, a shared guffaw holds far more joy and the sound is much sweeter. Cooking your favorite meal is great, but when you really want to nourish the person you care about with it, the charm is quickly lost and the food itself just doesn't taste the same.

I knew that being in a long distance relationship was going to be a challenge, and it has been and that's okay. I think he's worth it...and I hope he would think the same of me. I know there will come a time when we will be in the same zip code. The time that we do spend together makes it all worth it, and it's not like we live across country from each other. It's only a couple hours by car and compared to others who are in the same kind of relationship... we're very lucky. We still manage to spend a few days together every other week. Some people don't get to see the object of their affection for months on end.

yet..when I'm watching a favorite movie, reading a favorite book, needing a hug after a long day, when I'm waking up in the morning and when I'm just falling asleep.. "wish you were here".

One Night(Alton Telegraph, 7/10/11)

According to the website for the American Cancer Society, www.cancer.org, there were approximately 450 people that perished of non Hodgkin Lymphoma in the state of Missouri last year. On the night of July 17th, Sandra K. Garrett-Jones was one of them.



Mom had originally been diagnosed with the disease way back in 1991. After extensive chemotherapy and testing over a 2 year period, her lymph nodes were pronounced clear and her doctor told her that she was 'good to go.' During the course of treatment she lost a lot of weight, her hair, and her patience. My grandfather and aunt were also fighting cancers of their own during this time. So, not only was mom working a full time job, but she was going to treatments and trying to support them. She became a warrior. The American Cancer Society provided a lot of resources for her and the rest of the family during this time. In return, mom began participating in the RELAY FOR LIFE event every year.



This is an all night event that starts on a Friday night at 6pm on a high school football field and ends at 6am the next morning. The participants are all in teams and the team members take turns walking or running the track surrounding the field. Each team also has a fund-raising booth where they sell food, services, and trinkets. During the course of the night there are games and activities to keep everyone's spirits up and my favorite part is the luminaria ceremony.



You buy a luminaria(a paper bag that will be weighted with sand and a candle when completed) for $5.00, decorate it with the name of a family member or friend that is currently fighting cancer, or has passed on from the disease. All the luminaria are positioned on the bleachers and lining the track and then they are lit...and the lights on the football field are all turned off. The only illumination coming from all those bags as all those names are read. It's a very solemn period.



The money raised at this event is used to help fund the programs that the Cancer Society provides to cancer patients and their families. Our family usually participates in a couple of these events every year. My sister and I go to the Central St. Charles event and my mom's sister and various cousins participate in the East Prairie, Missouri event.



In June of 2008 mom's cancer returned, but this time it was a lot more aggressive, and since she was also a lot older it took much more of a toll on her. She fought it valiantly right up until the very moment of her demise. With many warriors there is such a thing as a 'good' death. To die in the midst of a battle is considered the highest honor. If you believe in that sort of thing, then mom indeed had a 'good' death.



My problem is this, with mom's death, so went my spirit. It seemed to me that the one thing that I was fighting so hard for, had already been lost. I wasn't going to be able to save her, so what was the point? So this year, when it came time to sign up for this year's event, I was a little less than invested. My sister is wholly invested. I marvel at her tirelessness. She has put on more fund-raising activities than a lot of the other teams involved. She has had rummage sales and bake sales. She has hawked ice cream and donuts. She built a gift card basket to raffle off the night of the event and so far it's worth about $200.00.

When I expressed my apathy for this year's event. Her response was simple. “If we don't do it, who will? If everyone gives up, then who will be left to fight? What if, someday, we get a form of cancer? Then what? If we give up, who's going to fight for us? It's one night, out of 365 nights. Just one night, just do it.”



The teams in this year's event have so far raised over $21,000.00 and that one night hasn't even happened yet. If you've never done this, please consider joining us July 15-16, 2011 from 6PM to 6AM at Lutheran High School, St. Peters, Missouri. This one night can give you a new perspective on the rest of your life.



If you don't choose to participate in an event, please consider donating to our team or any team. Go to this website:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=32204&pg=entry



Our team is “take a bite out of cancer”. Come on, it's painless. Just do it.

just to let you know....

So, a friend mentioned that today would be an excellent day for a ride. She went on to mention that she should probably get a boyfriend with a bike so she could ride along. Her alternative was...to learn to ride herself. Then it occurred to me that although there are a lot of things in life that are like a relationship between a man and woman.... this is a good example.

I have always loved motorcycles. When I was a child, I think it was my uncle that took me on my first ride(with dad's admonishment to be extra careful..). When it comes to motorcycles...you either love them..or fear them. I loved them. When I turned 18 my parents divorced and dad got a BEAUTIFUL Honda Goldwing. Some would call it a midlife crisis cycle....I called it going back to a love he had forgotten. I could tell how much he liked to go for rides, it was like a cleansing of the soul when he would come back from a ride. He would take my sister and I for rides on it. I loved it and dreamed of a day when I would ride by myself. I think my sister liked it, but I don't think as much as I did.

I forgot about my dream for awhile. Ok, it was a LONG while. It wasn't until my children were older and my husband(at the time) bought a Honda Nighthawk. He would take me for rides and the dream of a solo ride resurfaced. I mentioned it to him a few times, and he said he would teach me, but we never got around to it. The Nighthawk was sold and we divorced.

With my second husband I mentioned my dream again... he was in the "I hate and fear motorcycles" camp. As was the case for most things in that marriage, if he was against it..it didn't happen. It wasn't much of a relationship in that regard and that's why it didn't last. I don't consider it a failure, though. The failure was mine in not standing up for myself and my wants and dreams. I finally learned to do that and we divorced as well.

Then the dream became mine again. No longer was there anyone to tell me "no", or "maybe someday". My day was now. I took the beginners course, and though it took me two attempts, I passed it and I got my class M license. I bought a small bike off of eBay (more details are in previous posts). I took that first solo ride and it was everything I wanted and so much more. I did have to sell BLUE(my nickname for my first bike) back in November. It needed some mechanical work done and I just didn't want to invest the money when I need a bigger bike anyway.

I have been without my own ride since then, but if you've read me lately, you know that my boyfriend has a beautiful bike and I ride along with him whenever I get the chance. He is aware that I want my own bike.. "is it at least going to be an American made bike?" he says. "It will be whatever I am comfortable on, can ride safely, and that I can afford" I say. He's good with that.

This is where the 'relationship is like a motorcycle ride' thing comes in..It's very important that you learn how to ride solo in life. You should always know that you can handle things alone before you get into a relationship with someone else.

In a relationship both people in that relationship should realize that you don't HAVE to be together, you CHOOSE to be with that other person. There should be a mutual respect of each other's hopes, dreams and desires. As well, as each other's individuality. There will be times when you will ride solo and there will be times when you choose to ride together. The times when you are solo in no way diminish yourselves as a couple, it's just an expression of individuality and independence of self.

True, I don't have a bike of my own right now and he understands I will have someday, but he likes that I choose to ride with him. I appreciate that he chooses to take me with him and we both know that whether or not we are solo...we're still very much together.

The Perfect Day....

Soooooo, the BF came into town Friday night for a rare stay till Sunday. BONUS!
We spent the evening watching a couple movies and just being together. Ok, so it's NOT all that exciting, but when you're in the midst of a long distance relationship. It's the little things that really mean a lot.

Yesterday started off really nice and easy. I actually cooked a real breakfast. Hey, don't be so shocked....it happens! I can cook without burning the house down, I don't care WHAT the local fire marshall told you. After breakfast we checked local news stories online, downloaded music, and outlined the day. Plans? Motorcycle ride followed by our favorite pastime, karaoke.

I have been on motorcycle rides before, but this was different. This was OUR first ride together. Would he be a safe driver? would he laugh at me in my full face helmet? These are the things we were about to find out. We set off on our journey on his 1994 Victory Kingpin(pictured above..but without it's saddlebags and windshield). We threw a couple jackets in the saddle bags...put on our helmets, and off we went. Note: He didn't laugh at my helmet. BONUS!! : )

We went north up the great river road, route 100 through Alton, up through Grafton, He had his Ipod blasting tunes. we sang along, the wind and road were our backup singers. The weather was a perfect 80 degrees and sunny. His music is an eclectic mix of everything from Roy Orbison, to Keith Urban, to Aerosmith,to Taio Cruz, and the Black eyed Peas. Chances are if it's music, he has it. I didn't hear one song that I didn't like.

We crossed the bridge over into Missouri and headed to Kampsville, stopped for a soda and to stretch our legs. We talked with a bait shop owner about the best route to Louisiana, Missouri (there was a place there that he wanted to take me to). and we were given a couple free maps.

It had been a long time since I'd been on a bike for any length of time, but it was totally worth it. We had dinner at a quaint little place called the Lighthouse Inn and by this time it was 7pm and time to head back.

On the trip back home we put our jackets on because it was close to dusk and the temperature was a little milder, but still very pleasant. We were gifted with a beautiful sunset on the way home. The sky showing us some beautiful colors over the bluffs and hills of the landscape.

This was my brand of bliss. On the back of a bike,arms around him,a beautiful sunset at my back, music blasting and the road before us. I could get used to this.
:)

The road blog....

I promised you adventure...so here goes. The BF(boyfriend) lives a couple hours away from me and usually he travels to see me, but in the interest of fairness...and to accommodate his work schedule, I have taken it upon myself to expand my road trip proficiency. I purchased a Tom Tom GPS system so that I could travel without fear of getting lost. I FREAKING LOVE Ross(the voice inside my Tom Tom is a Scottish guy named Ross....)I love my BF more, but Ross is a close second because he gets me TO the BF.

BF has a work schedule in which it's really rare that he has a whole weekend off, so we make do. He's come to see me(making the 2 hour trip from home...or the 4 hour trip from where he's currently working) whenever he can. I'm a 9 to 5er so I am at work through the week and off on weekends. I really do love the freedom and independence of making a plan, packing an overnight bag and heading out. I really love that few hours on the road with my Blackberry music collection, my thoughts and the occasional bluetoothed phone call for company. Maybe I was always a gypsy at heart, but it really refreshes me and renews my soul. Someday, I'm gonna do this via my own motorcycle!! yeahhhh, baby.

So far this long distance relationship isn't an IDEAL situation, but for a beginner in the REAL relationship game, it's pretty cool. There's none of that annoying.."but he/she is in my space all the time, I wish I had some time to myself" stuff. We have ample time to ourselves, to BE ourselves and to pursue our own interests, all the while knowing there is someone out there that we can call our very own.

Communication is key. We call, we text, we send each other funny YouTube videos. I can honestly say that I've had more honest communication in this long distance relationship...than in the more conventional 'up-close and personal' relationships in my past.

Trust is very important. We really have an understanding that we have chosen each other. Nobody else even comes close, so why even bother to look. I know that for me, I feel like I've found a home after a long time searching. He had told me the same thing was true of him as well.

All relationships have misunderstandings.... in the past I would do pretty much anything to avoid a conflict. BF won't let me get away with it. He makes sure I know when he's upset about something and he wants the same in return. The idea being, "fix things as they happen, don't let things build up". So far, so good.

So here I am...at a Panera Bread company in Northern Illinois enjoying a Caramel Latte and a scone. *happy sigh* ahhh..this is the life.

soooo, here's the thing....

So, here's the thing...

That phrase usually means I'm about to say something tremendously important to me, but I'm trying to act like it's NOT. It's a family thing. I do it. Dad does it. Sis does it. We try to express our innermost feelings by acting like it's not a big deal. Trust me, it is.

So, here's the thing. The thing is, I've been rather lax in my postings lately, but you have to give me a break. LOTS of stuff happening in my life. I've been given a few gifts.

I entered a column submission to a local paper, they accepted it, and now I get the opportunity to be a guest columnist. Pretty cool, huh? That's ONE of the things. The other is this... sit down. It's big. I'm actually IN a relationship. Not 'kinda' in one...or 'sorta' in one. He's mine, I'm his. It's a big deal. The future doesn't seem like such a scary place, anymore. The possibility of having a companion on my journey seems like a cool idea now.

It came about so naturally, very easy, and very unexpected. He was someone that I met a year and a half ago and I figured 'well, this isn't going anywhere'. So, I just mentally put him in the 'he's a friend' category. I thought that's where he put me too. We never really lost touch, we saw each other through some dark times, always seemed to be there for each other when we needed someone. When mom got sicker he listened as I cried on the phone, when his heart was battered I gave him advice. When mom died I had a lot of people who cared, but he was willing to drive the six hours from where he was working and actually BE THERE for me.(I didn't let him...and I should have, it would've been nice to have a strong hand to hold).

Our 'friendship' evolved without me even knowing it. He knew. He knew that what he'd been looking for, he already had and thought he'd lost.

A funny thing happens when you can finally see yourself as someone else sees you. When you open your heart just a little bit, amazing things happen. So, he came to see me and when I saw him, and saw the way he looked at me, there was this moment. It was like this: a voice in my head said "OH, THERE you are...I've been waiting for you." I FINALLY get it. Huh, who knew?

So, here's the thing- NOW the adventure really begins. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

Warning Labels.....

You know, childhood should come with a warning label because the things we do as children can haunt us as adults, but we grow and learn and forgive and forget.

I am one of those annoying FACEBOOK people. I love it. I got out of a very isolated relationship and was encouraged by some of my friends to join the social community and get re-acquainted with all the people that I had gone to school with. I am happy to say that I am no longer isolated. I've re-met some really treasured old friends and I've made a whole bunch of new ones.

I don't usually use the chat module as I don't have time for it, but I did happen to click it on the other night..and was surprised by a chat with someone that I really hadn't had much contact in many years.

This person was wracked with guilt over some things that had happened in our childhood. She and I had been friends of sorts, but she was maybe a little bit mean to me. To be honest...I do remember some really fun times that I had with her, and that's all I remember about it. She was genuinely remorseful for the things she had done and asked for forgiveness. Of course I gave it. That seemed to give her some measure of peace and we ended our chat on good terms...and I even asked her to call me sometime if she felt she needed someone to talk to.

I find it amazing how we carry all those things that we've done and that we've had done to us throughout our lives. We have to make choices. Do we let the bad things poison us? Do we let it color the rest of our existence to the extent that we become bitter and nasty? I choose the other path....just let it go. What's done is done, learn from it, forgive the past and move on.

seems a much healthier choice to me.

this whole 'soulmate' thingy...

Our lives and hearts are all puzzle pieces. The pieces are interwoven and made with all the people we've met and the ones who hang around and the ones who disappear into the mists of time. The feelings and relationships that those people leave with us and that we leave with them, it all makes up the big puzzle. Our relationships with family members, strangers, friends, it all plays a part in who we are, where we are going, why we do the things we do.

On rare occasions you are able to run into people that you instantly feel a connection with. It seems like you've known them forever. You share the same outlook on life, laugh at all the same things, enjoy the same movies, music, foods. These people are your soulmates. It's exciting to meet these people, because you know, in your heart that they don't often come along. You know something special and important is happening, but you don't know what. It's fun, because you don't know where it's all going and it's a new journey.

I have a few...they know their place in my heart, and I know mine in theirs. You might start out thinking that the nature of your relationship is one thing....but it grows in a new direction. That's the moment it becomes clear. When that happens, you just know. It's a little disheartening, because you think surely you should be in love with this person, right? They're perfect for you, that's supposed to be how it works, right? There should be fireworks and magic,RIGHT? Ah, no. Not so much. Not always.

There is such a thing as TOO perfect. Thus the soulmate. A person that feels like an extension of yourself...where you are weak, they are strong, but the core is the same. You have the same heart.

You don't get the fireworks and magic, but you do get someone you can call at all hours of the day or night when your heart is breaking, and they'll listen to you weep. They'll let you get all neurotic with them, because they do it too. You get someone that will help you through the toughest times of your life, because even though they don't know what you feel...they really DO know how you feel. You get someone that you can call up at 10pm at night when your car breaks down and you're on a date with someone else and they'll see that you get home safe. Just because.(yes...all of that really did happen). You get someone that understands your need to just be a total goofball, because, they are too.

And now there is another...and that's ok, because life is long and I plan on sharing it with these special people and seeing where our individual journeys take us. It's gonna be a fun ride, really. Because when you surround yourself with people who love and understand you, when you are as fortunate as I am to have these people, how can it not be?

RE-evaluating......and stuff.

Yesterday started like any other ordinary workday. Alarm went off, snooze button hit(twice), grudgingly get up and go about my day. My usual routine is to do the shower thing around 7am or earlier so I have time to clean off the car and warm it up if needed before heading to work.

Everything went according to plan - until I dropped the razor in the shower. You know those moments that happen, and you never see them coming, but they can alter the course of your life? This could have been one of them. The razor dropped, I moved my foot an inch the wrong way so I could bend down to get it...and my foot hit the razor handle. I fell out of the shower bringing the curtain rod with me and dazing myself as I hit the bathroom floor in the process.

I lay there in my stupor for a few seconds....thinking"man, I hope the paramedics that find my dead body are cute..." Then I thought.. "you're not dead, idiot. You could have been, but sadly you still have to go to work today." As I struggled to get off the floor, put the shower curtain back up and rinse the conditioner out of my hair, my cat finally decided to see what the commotion was and I heard a plaintive 'Meoww?' from outside the bathroom door. At least Boo was concerned about my well being. Or he was checking to make sure that someone would be feeding him soon. Let's go with CONCERN. ok?

All this activity got my brain firing and I began to wonder "what if??"
I was plunged into a period of self reflection that lasted probably most of an hour. What if I HAD lost consciousness or something even more tragic had happened...who would miss me? Who would even freaking care? I started counting in my head and I got a number.

Have you ever done that? considered the impact of your own subsequent demise on your family and friends? Wondered how they would react and who would be fighting over your autographed copy of Star Wars..VHS version? I considered the nature of my friendships and who would be profoundly affected and who would just say.."Oh yeah? she's dead? hmmm too bad." I REALLY suggest that you think about this, it's an eye-opener.

So, I'm doing a little RE-evaluation..taking stock as it were. If you wouldn't miss me, or you would prefer that I just kept my random musings to myself and not infect your life with them, let me know now and I'll just make sure you don't get a memo when my REAL expiration date comes up. OK?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, if you don't hear from me for a long period of time..well, chances are pretty good that you got re-evaluated, or I tripped and fell somewhere else and I'm currently unconscious and can't reach my cellphone..

Yeah, that's probably more likely.

snow angels....

This morning I woke up to snow. As I live in the midwest, this is not an altogether unusual occurrence. I just love the way an untouched, pristine snow looks. As if a pure white blanket had been thrown over everything. It covered the ugly reality of winter drabness and dressed it all up in a clean white jacket.

Everything just looks so fresh and clean and pure. If only there was a way to do that with your life. Just throw a clean cape over yourself and wipe away all the bad stuff. Wake up fresh and clean and pristine.

so do it. go out...make a snow angel. leave all the bad stuff behind...carry the good stuff(the wet snow) inside with you. : )