Weekend mornings...

Saturday and sunday mornings are tougher than I thought they would be.

Mom used to call me by 10am... If I didn't call her first. Oh...she would ALSO call every day between 4pm and 6pm. EVERY DAY. : ) It was her habit....and as many times as I tried to change it, couldn't be done. No matter how many times I told her that my life was NOT that interesting...that nothing happened.. didn't matter. She was just trying to keep connected to me and my life. I see it now...at the time, I didn't.

The weekend morning calls were the ones that were more interesting....we'd get into discussions on religion, politics, relationships...all the good stuff. Along with the minute details that make up a life well lived. We'd talk about all the adventures I wanted to take...all the adventures she didn't take...but sometimes wished she had.

so now...I just have the conversation in my head....it's not as satisfying....but it goes something like this..

"hey mom....what's up? yeah? it's that quiet? well....play some of your favorite Elvis tunes...shake things up a bit!! Ohhh...I don't think he'd mind...I'm sure God has a great sense of rhythm.... or better yet...play some Def Leppard!! (laughs) ok..maybe not. Yeah, Russ is doing ok...he misses you a lot...we all do..

NO...we're all fine, mom. Really. It was your time!! It's what was best. Me?? oh..things are good.. NOOOOO, I'm not seeing anyone seriously.... PUHLEEZE!! who would put up with me?? (laughs) eh...stop with the worrying...I'm just gonna do my adventures...and the right guy will either come along...or he won't..either way...I'll live the life I want..right? Nope...not a regret at all. I have a great network of friends...it's not like it used to be.

Well...yeah...sometimes I miss having someone around...but for the most part...I don't mind being alone! No..REALLY! I've always been like that...you know that! Give me a good book to read and a couch to snuggle into and I'm fine. and then there's my motorcycle... Don'T start!! YES.....I'm very careful!! I promise... oh...you have to go now? Einstein invited you to play scrabble?? seriously?? Don't let him cheat you again!! take the dictionary!! yes...I love you too... "

or....something like that. : )

The story of "love you forever"

If you notice....on the things I've written about my mom, Sandy, I usually finish with this phrase:
"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my mommy you'll be"

There is a story behind it.

A Loooong time ago...in a far away land called ROXANA, my younger sister worked in a daycare center. As part of her workday she would read to the children, often letting them choose the book. One of the books that they loved to hear was " I love you forever". it's a very simple little book and it tells a great story. I urge ALL PARENTS TO GET THIS BOOK!! NOW.

It tells the story of a young mother with her first child. she brings the baby home...and as she rocks her son to sleep she croons...."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

As the child grows, she continues this tradition..even when he's two years old..and he drives her crazy...she still rocks him to sleep with......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

Even when he's a teenager..and a brat...and she can't stand him and he can't stand her.... she waits till he's asleep..and she hugs him and whispers......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

and when he goes to college...and he has his own place....and he's freaking out over finals...she drives across town...and she waits till he's asleep..hugs him and whispers......"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

and then..the mother is very old...and is in a nursing home..and the MAN that the baby has become drives to the nursing home and visits his mother...and HE holds her and he whispers.... ...."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my mama, you'll be".

and then...he goes home...and he picks up HIS new baby girl...and he picks her up..and rocks her to sleep...and he says......."I love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever and ever, my baby you'll be".

when I had Caitlin.....my mother bought this book for me.....and I've lost it now..but I intend to get it back. For mother's day a few years back....my sister and I bought it for mom...

when we were looking for something for mom to wear to her funeral....we found the book...and we took turns inscribing it...with our own messages...and she rests with it now.

and we truly do.

...."love her forever, I'll like her for always, forever and ever, our mama, she'll be".

Sandy

How do you sum up a person’s life in so small a space? You can’t. So..instead I’ll just tell you about her. The person she is…the person she was.. the person you’ll never know.Sandra K(not KAY…just…K) was born to Randell and Viola Garrett on November 30th some 66 years ago I can’t tell you the EXACT year…because she told my sister and I that she was 29 years old for so many years that I honestly lost track. Until as recently as a couple years ago…that was her answer if you dared to ask her age.

Life in the Garrett household was not easy. Sandy(as she preferred to be called) was the middle child. Her younger sister, Patty Ann was a constant companion and to her older brother, Travis, the two girls were a constant source of irritation. There was no money for luxuries…there was just the necessities and a lot of love, but the Garrett kids learned early on that anything worth having was worth working hard for. And so they did. Randell worked on a commercial crop farm, and as they got older the kids each did their share of farm work, picking cotton, de-silking corn, you name it, they probably did it.

The family moved to Arizona and that’s where Sandy graduated high school. She wasn’t a cheerleader, and never really ran with the popular crowd. She did have a close circle of friends that she associated with and I heard random stories about their adventures. The times they skipped school to go shopping in Phoenix. How they ‘borrowed’ a friend’s brother’s car for the day and were grounded for weeks after. Sandy wasn’t afraid to take a chance, make a mistake, or tell you her thoughts on any subject. In fact, for her to hold her tongue about how she really felt would be a rare occasion indeed.

It was in Arizona that she met Anthony Venezia, they were married in 1962 and had two daughters, Kelli in October of 1964(the oldest and most diplomatic) and Kris in May of 1970(the younger and more opinionated). The family settled in South Roxana, Illinois when Anthony got a job at McDonnell Douglas- a St. Louis aeronautics firm. Sandy worked part time for a local trucking firm for a time and then got a job at KMART in the Jewelry department. She eventually worked her way up to the business office where she remained until she retired. As is often the case in life, things did not go as planned and Anthony and Sandra divorced in 1982. They remain friends to this day.

When Kris graduated from high school, Sandra decided to move back to her roots. She moved to East Prairie, Missouri to be near the rest of the Garrett clan. In 1991 she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. At this same time her father, Randell and her Sister in law, Dorothy were also battling cancers of their own. Sandra worked full time, went to chemotherapy, and tried to help care for them as well. Her strength and will were so superhuman that the reason she was diagnosed with Lymphoma in the first place was that she fainted at work and was forced by her supervisor to go to the emergency room. Her nurse remarked that Sandra was a ‘legend’ on the floor. Sandra asked “why am I such a legend?” and the nurse replied….”usually when people enter the hospital with blood counts as low as yours…they’re already dead… “

While being treated for her cancer, Sandra lost all her hair…and took to wearing a wig or a turban. She earned the nickname, Suburban Turban from Patty Ann. Sandra won that battle with cancer, but her father and Dorothy did not. They died 6 months apart in the winter of 1992.

It was on or about this time that Rusty Jones came into town to visit his old buddy Travis Garrett(Sandy’s older brother…remember) Russ and Sandra had dated way back in the day…prior to Rusty shipping out for the Navy. The two dated and were married a few months later. They decided that life was too short not to do what you REALLY wanted to do, and what they REALLY wanted….was to be together.

During the course of their marriage…they lived in Mississippi and Kentucky…. They traveled all over the west(a dream of Sandy’s)…visiting Idaho, and Montana, and Colorado.It seemed like they always were doing a lot of traveling to East Prairie, though…so they settled there 10 years ago. Russ and Sandra were both retired by this time…and they planned on just enjoying the rest of their lives together.

Here again….as is often the case, life never quite works out as you planned it. Sandy was again diagnosed with Lymphoma in June of 2008. This time it was a more aggressive strain. It resisted treatment and it weakened her horribly. Sandy lost her battle on July 17, 2010.

I just want to say this: My sister and I are so lucky to have been raised by this incredible woman. She and my father taught us that our opinion counted…even if it might be wrong. That to think for ourselves was not only expected, but encouraged. That tolerance of another person’s beliefs was not only the right thing to do…but just plain necessary to get through life, that if we wanted something…we had to work hard for it.

NO SUBJECT was taboo at our dinner table. We talked about the divorce rate, abortion, homosexuality, animal cruelty, nuclear disarmament, religion, dating, sex and what our favorite foods were. Mom was selfish, compassionate, stubborn, intelligent, funny, stubborn, (I know I said it before..but she is..)opinionated, beautiful, and strong.

She loved reading trashy romance novels, she would get cold when the temperature dropped below 75, her favorite snack was banana pepper rings and brick cheese slices, her favorite show of all time was MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN(the chicken soup drowning episode made mom laugh so loud, it woke me up from a sound sleep when she watched it). Mom, Kris and I watched THE CAROL BURNETT show every Saturday night when I was growing up…her personal favorite episode was the GONE WITH THE WIND parody…she often sewed mine and my sister’s and some of her own clothes. My favorite of her creations were the New Year’s Eve formal dresses she would make. When she became a grandmother for the first time, in 1987, she picked a newborn Caitlin up, looked her straight in the eye and said..." I hate to break it to you, but I'm NOT one of those 'cookie-baking' grandmas..I promise we'll have a good time anyway". In 1993, when Curt was born...she gave him the same speech.

She never thought she was beautiful….but I’ve often been told by friends how beautiful she was. Over the years…she’s taught my sister, myself and her grandchildren,that strength doesn’t necessarily mean muscles, that real courage is sometimes the quiet still voice inside saying…”I will try again tomorrow” and that intelligence doesn’t necessarily mean a college degree. I hope someday to be just like her when I grow up…and I pray every day…that my children think they are HALF as lucky as I feel right now.

I love you forever, I’ll like you for always….forever and ever…my mommy, you’ll be.

In my mother's eyes...

When people who know my mother meet me for the first time they usually say the same thing:" oh, you have your mother's eyes!"

and it's true. I do. Mom has the strangest color eyes...they are the most peculiar shade of green/gold. They change color with her mood, or what she's wearing, or depending on what the lighting is. It used to bother me, I'd not look people in the eye for fear they'd see the weird color.

I think of them a little differently now. Whenever I look in a mirror...I see her eyes staring back at me. It comforts me somewhat, because I know I'll always have something of her within me. I wonder if I will see the world the way she did. I wonder if I would have the courage to do the things she's had to do. I like to think she sees things just a little bit differently than anyone else on the planet. I like that.

These eyes are a family trait. My son has them as does my daughter. In fact a few months ago my daughter and I were heading on a road trip to visit my mom. We stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank on our way out of town. I was paying at the cash register and the attendant looked me in the eye. "You're Caitlin's mom...aren't you?" I laughed at him and said that I was and asked him how he knew.

"she has your eyes."

how to let go......

I've been pretty open about this journey that I'm on...much to the consternation of my friends and family, I'm sure. I just look at it this way...In my struggles...maybe someone will see something in themselves that will inspire...or be a good warning.

Oh well...as one of my facebook posse posted today... this is Basic Truth #1- There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. With that comes the only basic duty. The duty to take the consequences.

Here's the thing....if you are doing as you "damn well please" and you're going along and you're living your life...and you build yourself this nice, solitary life... What is the consequence of that? You become aloof, cold, remote. To the point that you forget what it feels like to interact with others. You forget what it means to care. Then, when you have convinced yourself that you are content with that life a person comes along and reminds you of all the things you are missing by being solitary.

This isn't me...it's someone else...I entered his life...and reminded him of all the things he wanted but felt he couldn't have. I seem to stumble upon these people that see something in me that fills a void in their own soul...for awhile. He warned me not to care...that he had demons he had yet to share. He was right.. He confessed his many sins(not really that many...but to him, monumental)...and I realized the truth of what he said.

I bear him no animosity...I think he is very noble. He was honest, both with me as well as himself. At least he didn't try to cover up his flaws, he didn't try to convince me of a normalcy that he really didn't own(something bachelor #2 could've done...but didn't). I wish him peace..I treasure the times we did have...and all the things he taught me. The unyielding support...the pride in my small accomplishments.

I just can't seem to cut people out of my life like some people can..which is fine..I accept it. It gives me a circle of people who will in some small way always care. Even if only a tiny bit. In the long run...I think I'll be a more fulfilled person because of it.

Sometimes the relationships between people have to change in scope and nature in order to grow beyond what you even imagined they could be. So...it's time to let go of what was...embrace what is....and look forward to what will be. It's gonna be good. : )

Let the Valendoom's day blog begin

"Love is like a firefly....hard to catch..and even harder to keep alive."

This is Valentine's day, a day that Hallmark has deemed THE day to celebrate love and lovers. I would really like to take this opportunity to flip Hallmark a big EFF U.

Why do we wait till February 14? Why can't we just celebrate emotions AS we have them. Why wait? Why do people absolutely FREAK THE HELL OUT if you show the least bit of interest in them. "hey, I like you..doesn't mean I'm in love with you or implies any kind of commitment on my part...it just means...I'm comfortable with you, you're fun to hang out with, and it would bug me immensely if you fell off the planet." I dare you, say that to someone and watch them stutter, mumble and mutter something about how they have to wash their cat.

Well, here's an idea. Lets take a moment to appreciate the people we care about. The family we choose for ourselves, our friends.(and our families...let's not forget them).

So here goes. I love you. Cait and Curt...you are truly the loves of my life. I don't know where or who I would be without you two in my life. I'm so glad I'm your mom. It's been the best, most rewarding, exasperating experience...love every minute of it.

Boo (silver, striped tabby cat), though you can't read..thank you for being the one guy I can count on to cuddle with me at night...no matter what pajamas I'm wearing. Your soft purring lulls me to sleep.

and to my "posse"...you know who you are. Thanks for just being there...for the laughs...the phone calls at 2am...the texts...life is bearable and fun because you're in it.

Have a lovely Valentine's Day....and remember to appreciate the people you care about...every day...NOT just on February 14.

Grand Adventures......

"Grand adventures await those who are willing to turn corners......."- Fortune cookie.

This is not news to me. Just as it is not news that I am going to get my motorcycle license...I am going to take a cross country trip someday.. I'm going to write about it.... none of these things will happen if I play it 'safe'. If I stay on the straight and narrow...always doing the responsible thing...waiting for my eventual death of old age and boredom.

I found "Blue" on Ebay. I got the notion a few weeks ago...watch the motorcycle auctions...and see what the prices were like. I figured if I could find a bike cheap enough...(under $700.00) I'd buy one. I had my income tax windfall coming in...why not help out the economy..spend it foolishly??I never really thought I would find a halfway decent bike.

I watched "Blue" for 3 days...never bidding. "Blue" is a vintage(used) 1981 Honda CM400C. She has some miles on her(but so do I) she has a great leather seat(ok..mine's not leather), perky headlights (no comment). She's been through some stuff, but she would be good for me to have some adventures with. I can't explain it, I had to bid on her.

When it got down to the final hour...I made my move. The auction was due to end in 20 minutes....I set a maximum bid of $650.00. I waited and I watched. I was the high bidder. HUH??? SERIOUSLY??!! I kept refreshing the screen....5 minutes....4 minutes....3....2....1. OH MY GAWD. I just bought a freakin motorcycle for the grand total of $611.00.

Me, being a modern girl....I sent out email notifications. The response was overwhelming and positive for the most part....(no word from dad yet....). Mom never checks email, so I had to tell her on the phone. She took the news rather well. For a while. She called me back a few hours later. She has a bad feeling. She feels I didn't think it through. She feels its too dangerous. She feels I'm not being responsible. I'm someone's mother, I should be more responsible.

Well, here's the thing. For the first Forty years of my life, I did the responsible thing, the safe thing, what I was told to do. So did mom. For all her life. you know what it got us? NOT a lot(well, ok...I got two fabulous offspring). She got cancer. She waits to see if she'll get better or worse. I'm just starting to see that the world extends far beyond the boundaries of Illinois. That if you just open yourself up to the universe, magic can happen.

So....do I spend what's left of my life playing it safe? Do I never take a risk on the offchance that I might get hurt? Do I sit all cocooned up in my nice safe place where everything is familiar and no one can hurt me? I'll be safe that way. But I'll never learn that way. I'll never love that way. There is no safe. I can get killed eating a hamburger from McDonald's(Ecoli). I can get killed driving to work in the morning(ice, snow, other driver). I can get raped, murdered and left for dead along any highway anywhere and no one would know for days...weeks...months. That's not living. It's barely even existing.

Nah. I think I'll just take a trip round the corner....see what adventure lies in wait. Meet ya there. If you're game. : )