Every damn time.....

I don't remember the exact day it premiered, but some 10 years ago I watched the very first episode of Grey's Anatomy.  I saw the relationship between Derek and Meredith start.  I grew to know and care about the denizens of Seattle Grace Hospital(now known as Grey-Sloan Memorial).  I have watched every episode and have been caught up in the spell that Shonda Rhimes and company have woven with their words and pictures.

Unless you have been hiding under a rock for the past week, you know that Derek Shepard, brilliant neurosurgeon, died last week.  It was a brilliantly written episode and it was absolutely heartwrenching to watch the last few minutes as that was when all the monitors stopped beeping and Dr. Shepard took his final breath.  I watched this week's 2 hour long episode and they rehashed a lot of Derek and Meredith's relationship as well as his untimely death. . 

Every time he takes his last breath.... I'm transported to another hospital room.  This happens anytime there is a death scene in a hospital.  It happens every time.  Everyone suffers loss.  Everyone loses people they love.  It's the natural order of things.  It's the way things work.  I still remember the smells and sounds of that other hospital room.  I still feel it in my chest when she takes her last breath and tears still slide down my cheeks.  I remember having a last conversation with mom.  Just the two of us.  I was the only one talking.  I told her it was time to go... her work was done.. we would all be ok.  There was no more she could do, we would all miss her, always, but it was time to let go. Time to rest.   She passed a few hours later.

I remember how tired I was later that night.  I remember not sleeping, so I talked to Lynny.  We weren't 'official' at that time...I can't remember what we were,  but he said he would leave the job he was working in upstate Illinois, and be with me.  It would have been a six hour drive  That impressed me.  I thought..."this is a good guy.  He's a little rough around the edges, but when it matters, he's the guy you want on your side".  I fell into a dreamless sleep after that.

I told him not to leave work, I didn't know what the arrangements were going to be.  I should have taken him up on it.  It would have been nice to have someone to lean on. 

I know there will come a day when I won't feel it.  I know that.  But when that happens, will that mean that I've become cold, cynical and apathetic to the pain of another? I'm not looking forward to that day.  It's much better to live fully and feel a little pain.