Warning Labels.....

You know, childhood should come with a warning label because the things we do as children can haunt us as adults, but we grow and learn and forgive and forget.

I am one of those annoying FACEBOOK people. I love it. I got out of a very isolated relationship and was encouraged by some of my friends to join the social community and get re-acquainted with all the people that I had gone to school with. I am happy to say that I am no longer isolated. I've re-met some really treasured old friends and I've made a whole bunch of new ones.

I don't usually use the chat module as I don't have time for it, but I did happen to click it on the other night..and was surprised by a chat with someone that I really hadn't had much contact in many years.

This person was wracked with guilt over some things that had happened in our childhood. She and I had been friends of sorts, but she was maybe a little bit mean to me. To be honest...I do remember some really fun times that I had with her, and that's all I remember about it. She was genuinely remorseful for the things she had done and asked for forgiveness. Of course I gave it. That seemed to give her some measure of peace and we ended our chat on good terms...and I even asked her to call me sometime if she felt she needed someone to talk to.

I find it amazing how we carry all those things that we've done and that we've had done to us throughout our lives. We have to make choices. Do we let the bad things poison us? Do we let it color the rest of our existence to the extent that we become bitter and nasty? I choose the other path....just let it go. What's done is done, learn from it, forgive the past and move on.

seems a much healthier choice to me.

this whole 'soulmate' thingy...

Our lives and hearts are all puzzle pieces. The pieces are interwoven and made with all the people we've met and the ones who hang around and the ones who disappear into the mists of time. The feelings and relationships that those people leave with us and that we leave with them, it all makes up the big puzzle. Our relationships with family members, strangers, friends, it all plays a part in who we are, where we are going, why we do the things we do.

On rare occasions you are able to run into people that you instantly feel a connection with. It seems like you've known them forever. You share the same outlook on life, laugh at all the same things, enjoy the same movies, music, foods. These people are your soulmates. It's exciting to meet these people, because you know, in your heart that they don't often come along. You know something special and important is happening, but you don't know what. It's fun, because you don't know where it's all going and it's a new journey.

I have a few...they know their place in my heart, and I know mine in theirs. You might start out thinking that the nature of your relationship is one thing....but it grows in a new direction. That's the moment it becomes clear. When that happens, you just know. It's a little disheartening, because you think surely you should be in love with this person, right? They're perfect for you, that's supposed to be how it works, right? There should be fireworks and magic,RIGHT? Ah, no. Not so much. Not always.

There is such a thing as TOO perfect. Thus the soulmate. A person that feels like an extension of yourself...where you are weak, they are strong, but the core is the same. You have the same heart.

You don't get the fireworks and magic, but you do get someone you can call at all hours of the day or night when your heart is breaking, and they'll listen to you weep. They'll let you get all neurotic with them, because they do it too. You get someone that will help you through the toughest times of your life, because even though they don't know what you feel...they really DO know how you feel. You get someone that you can call up at 10pm at night when your car breaks down and you're on a date with someone else and they'll see that you get home safe. Just because.(yes...all of that really did happen). You get someone that understands your need to just be a total goofball, because, they are too.

And now there is another...and that's ok, because life is long and I plan on sharing it with these special people and seeing where our individual journeys take us. It's gonna be a fun ride, really. Because when you surround yourself with people who love and understand you, when you are as fortunate as I am to have these people, how can it not be?

RE-evaluating......and stuff.

Yesterday started like any other ordinary workday. Alarm went off, snooze button hit(twice), grudgingly get up and go about my day. My usual routine is to do the shower thing around 7am or earlier so I have time to clean off the car and warm it up if needed before heading to work.

Everything went according to plan - until I dropped the razor in the shower. You know those moments that happen, and you never see them coming, but they can alter the course of your life? This could have been one of them. The razor dropped, I moved my foot an inch the wrong way so I could bend down to get it...and my foot hit the razor handle. I fell out of the shower bringing the curtain rod with me and dazing myself as I hit the bathroom floor in the process.

I lay there in my stupor for a few seconds....thinking"man, I hope the paramedics that find my dead body are cute..." Then I thought.. "you're not dead, idiot. You could have been, but sadly you still have to go to work today." As I struggled to get off the floor, put the shower curtain back up and rinse the conditioner out of my hair, my cat finally decided to see what the commotion was and I heard a plaintive 'Meoww?' from outside the bathroom door. At least Boo was concerned about my well being. Or he was checking to make sure that someone would be feeding him soon. Let's go with CONCERN. ok?

All this activity got my brain firing and I began to wonder "what if??"
I was plunged into a period of self reflection that lasted probably most of an hour. What if I HAD lost consciousness or something even more tragic had happened...who would miss me? Who would even freaking care? I started counting in my head and I got a number.

Have you ever done that? considered the impact of your own subsequent demise on your family and friends? Wondered how they would react and who would be fighting over your autographed copy of Star Wars..VHS version? I considered the nature of my friendships and who would be profoundly affected and who would just say.."Oh yeah? she's dead? hmmm too bad." I REALLY suggest that you think about this, it's an eye-opener.

So, I'm doing a little RE-evaluation..taking stock as it were. If you wouldn't miss me, or you would prefer that I just kept my random musings to myself and not infect your life with them, let me know now and I'll just make sure you don't get a memo when my REAL expiration date comes up. OK?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, if you don't hear from me for a long period of time..well, chances are pretty good that you got re-evaluated, or I tripped and fell somewhere else and I'm currently unconscious and can't reach my cellphone..

Yeah, that's probably more likely.

snow angels....

This morning I woke up to snow. As I live in the midwest, this is not an altogether unusual occurrence. I just love the way an untouched, pristine snow looks. As if a pure white blanket had been thrown over everything. It covered the ugly reality of winter drabness and dressed it all up in a clean white jacket.

Everything just looks so fresh and clean and pure. If only there was a way to do that with your life. Just throw a clean cape over yourself and wipe away all the bad stuff. Wake up fresh and clean and pristine.

so do it. go out...make a snow angel. leave all the bad stuff behind...carry the good stuff(the wet snow) inside with you. : )

The 'other' mother....

I was going to save this for Mother's Day...but I find that I can't wait that long, and the subject is in dire need of recognition now. So here I am. I have often told anyone who will listen that I truly am of the belief that every person that comes into your life has a reason for being there. They are there to teach you, to learn from you, to give you something or to take something that they need from you. The reasons for their visit in your life is sometimes not clear immediately...sometimes it takes years and years.

Many moons ago, after my father and mother had divorced, after dad and my first stepmom had divorced....back when dad was single.. He met Linda. They dated for several years, she helped my sister plan her wedding. She actually became good friends with Sandy(my mom) through the course of the wedding planning. Things didnt work out and dad and Linda broke up. A few more years went by and they realized what each of them had lost and they got back together. Here's how I found out..

Dad-" Linda and I are back together.... I'm gonna ask her to move in with me...how do you feel about that?"

Me-"what are you asking me for? Kris and I love her, she's a great person, you're over 20 years old....geez dad...just do it!!"

and so he did. During the course of of their living together, she helped him move out of the big house and into the home they now share. She helped MAKE the home they share a HOME. She saw me and my sister through a few hardships, she cried with us when mom got sick again. In 2008 dad and Linda got married....to celebrate they took the whole family on their belated honeymoon to Cancun Mexico.

As I said before...the reasons that these 'special' people come into our lives are not often immediately apparent....but I know why Linda is here. All year long, throughout mom's bouts with chemo and illness, she's been there for me and Kris. While working a full time job, she found the time to design and make quilts for us both for Christmas presents. She has always treated my kids as if they were her own grandchildren and my sister and I as if we were of her flesh. The pendants that we were given at Thanksgiving were partly designed by her and when mom died...I don't know who cried more...me or Linda.

I know why she's here.... I think the higher power(whatever you choose to call it) knew that Kris and I weren't finished needing a mom yet and dad needed someone to keep him in line....so that's why she's here. She's way more than a stepmom..and I won't be calling her that anymore. She's my 'Other' mother....and I'm very thankful to have her and we all love her very much.

Moving Forward....

Ever wonder why your car's front window is huge and your rearview mirror isn't? Because what's ahead is way more important than what's already behind you.

Usually, around this time of year I get all sentimental and retrospective and set goals for the coming year and tell you what I plan on doing....well, in the interest of shaking things up, I think I'm going to tell you what I WON'T be doing in the coming year.

I WON'T be doing any skydiving. The theory being, if at first you don't succeed...maybe skydiving isn't your sport. Since I'm the kind of person that needs to LEARN things and it usually takes me a couple tries before I get it right, I don't think there's a huge learning curve on this sport....so I will be passing on that.

I WON'T be swimming with sharks. One word- BITEY.

I WON'T be eating liver. I try not to consume anything that looks like it would be appetizing to a zombie. Just a 'thing' of mine.

Not gonna be doing any backpacking through the Himalayas. I don't know if there really IS an abominable snowman..but I'm not gonna take a chance on it.

I promise NOT to miss mom on days that don't end in Y. In that same vein, I will try NOT to look at the clock every day at 2pm and expect a phone call.

I will NOT be living my life in fear of what MIGHT happen.

I will NOT pass up the chance to randomly dance in parking lots, irritate other people with my insane knowledge of silly trivia, act immature, kiss under a full moon, or take a motorcycle ride up the river road ON MY OWN MOTORCYCLE!! : )

In short, I'm gonna be looking forward...not backwards. There will be no dwelling on what was or could have been. There will be...what is..and what could be.

It's a whole new year, I had my fill of sorrow in 2010, there won't be anymore of that in 2011. NOT if I have anything to do with it.

Legacy

In June of this year, my ailing mom decided that she needed some money.... as she had quite a few gold necklaces, a diamond tennis bracelet, assorted rings...she contacted my dad. Dad had been in the wholesale jewelry business for awhile and she knew that he would take care of this task for her. Dad contacted mom, told her what he could give her for the gold...but the diamonds...they were basically useless. Whenever a jeweler buys your gold...he takes the gold...and strips it of any stones and just pays you for the gold. The stones he uses in other pieces and you really don't get anything for that. Anyway....mom knew she was terminal..and she and dad decided that he needed to do something with the stones. Something special. something for my sister, my daughter and me.



Dad wanted to make sure we were all here today for Thanksgiving dinner....and when it was over he had the whole family go into the living room...and he explained what had happened. He told us how mom knew he was going to have something made for us,out of the stones from her jewelry, but she died before the finished product was revealed.



He gave each of us a gold wrapped box, Caitlin..was gifted with two.



When we opened our boxes....we each were made a pendant....shaped like a flower on a gold chain.Dad and Linda (my amazingly loving step mom)had designed the pieces Each petal of the flower was a diamond, my sister and daughter each got an emerald petal since their birthdays were in May. Caitlin's pendant was smaller, so she also got two smaller diamonds as stud earrings.



Sandra K. Garrett Jones would have been 68 years old on November 30th. Thanks mom, for the birthday present. It's beautiful.