Family Trip- Previously published- August 2000- Alton Telegraph
Family Trip. Two words that can strike terror into even the stoutest of parental hearts.
Who among us has not, at some point, packed the kids, the car, the luggage and struck off for parts unknown while uttering the phrase, "Come on, gang, we're going on a trip" ?
What blind fools we are. We set off with high hopes and lofty dreams of how wonderful it will be to "get away from it all." Little do we know what true agonies await us. It is one of life's cruelest jokes that, in order to truly enjoy a getaway, one must go through sheer hell to get there. I know you understand what I am talking about.
I recall our family vacations as a child. There was the "If anyone says one more word I am going to pull this car over and the beatings will commence." trip to Disney World. The "Do I really have to go back there?" trip to Gettysburg. Last, but certainly not least, was the "Does anyone else have to use the restroom?" trip to Washington D.C.
Don't get me wrong, I love a vacation as much, if not more than the next human being. I just dread all the stuff that happens before you actually get to your destination. I know how I was as a child, so I expect nothing less from my own offspring. Before you set off on your next outing, may I offer a few suggestions?
Remember how many children you are taking with you. This is necessary so that you pack the appropriate number of snacks, drinks, pillows, etc. It also prevents this phrase,"but mom, he got one. Why can 't I have one?"
Count on being asked at least three times per every hour of your journey,"Are we there yet?" and "Is there a rest area nearby?"
Remember all the fun you had terrorizing your siblings on family vacations? Paybacks are a pain, trust me on this one.
If at all possible, stay somewhere with a pool. That way, after you get to your destination, you can lapse into a coma on a chaise lounge while your progeny are happily swimming laps and practicing their current belly flop technique.
Finally, please remember and never forget , these are the memories that your children will haunt you with for the rest of both of your natural lives. Make them really good ones.
Ok, I think I've done my duty now. I can go pack for my family's annual trek to Missouri for our "family float trip" down the scenic Current River. Let's see, do I have everything? Extra pillows? Check. Clothing? Check. Food? Check. Kids? Double check. Extra Strength Tylenol?(That's for me, by the way). Check and underline.
Oh yes, one last thing. Recite this to yourself every time you feel yourself close to the edge. Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the will to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Happy traveling.
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