Playing with my mind 12/08

Current mood: adventurous

If you are familiar with me you know that music is pretty important to me. ALL of the songs on my mp3 player (there are over 100) have some kind of meaning to me.

They remind me of people in my present and in my past, of events that I never want to forget, and things I wish I could. As you can tell by the multitude of words I have hanging out here in cyberspace, words mean a lot to me. Lyrics sometimes say the things I wish I could and even the things I wish I hadn't.

I have this person in my life that likes to play with my head a little bit. This person likes to send me little messages and try to keep in contact with me. Which is ok...except for one thing. Sometimes when this person sends me a message, it hurts.

So, I got this message and the person asked me about a certain song. Did I remember it? YES. I remembered it. It was the first song we ever danced to. It was the first song that I ever danced to with anyone in my life where I didn't trip over my own two feet. I felt like Ginger Rogers. I was graceful, I was beautiful. I will NEVER forget that freaking song. This person knows this, yet they asked me anyway. Wanna know why?

Because he likes to remind me of the "good times". What he doesnt realize is...with every little message, with every little memory is a cut. Little tiny paper cuts...that burn and irritate and just remind me of how I wasnt worth the effort. How I wasn't worth the time invested. How I am better off now than I ever was before. How much stronger I am without him. How the future is MINE now.

So...to this person(he knows who he is..). Stop thinking about the past. It's over, it's done. Quit messing with my mind. MY mind is fine. Work on YOURS.

I'm doing JUST FINE, thank you. I have really good friends who remind me every day that I AM worth the effort, that I am fine, just as I am. So maybe work on YOUR future. Mine...is gonna be GREAT!

ADDENDUM:

First of all...upon reading this a good friend pointed out that...MAYBE..just MAYBE I was ascribing something to malice, when it should really just be attributed to ignorance of my feelings. I think my friend was probably right.

And well....Ok...I had a talk with "the person" and...as it turns out, he finally gets it. He understands now...he gets it!! He finally realized what I had been telling him all along. He apologized for inadvertently hurting me. He had never intended it. We had a healthy conversation and got things out in the open. He understands that if he had just figured a few things out about himself 10 years ago, we never would have gone through all this. We could have been happy. Maybe.

But, all things are learned in their own time and in their own space. The things we go through are the lessons we have to learn. And we must learn or we never grow. I think he's growing..and I'm happy for him. and for me, I'm growing now too.