Previously published- November 26, 2001-The Telegraph
Current mood: contemplative
Now that Thanksgiving is over, and the turkey and all the leftover fixings are tucked securely in the fridge, it's time for the Christmas shopping season to officially get under way. Groan. Okay. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and lets get on with it. Time to make your list. Who are you buying for? Do you have any ideas at all for any of these people? Well, write this down because I'm here to help you.
Grandparents love pictures of the grandkids in brand new frames, gift certificates to their favorite restaurants or maybe, if they are particularly handy, power tools. The mothers or ladies on your list would love anything from Bath and Body Works, an expensive bottle of her favorite perfume(it's a good idea to ask what that is if you have no clues) or, if she's really cool, a gift certificate to the local tattoo/piercing parlor. Christmas is NOT the right time to buy her household cleaning implements. That is, if you are trying to score any brownie points with her at all.
A lot of fathers or men out there are into sports, the great outdoors, or cars. If you are really lucky, all three. This opens up a wide variety of gift-giving opportunities. You have a HUGE array of gadgets and gear to choose from in those categories. If all else fails, tickets to a concert or sporting event is usually the perfect item.
Kids. They are a really tricky bunch. Advertisers are really pushing all their buttons very hard at this time of year. Listen very carefully for this phrase: "Mom, I want THAT!!!" This usually signifies that some commercial has just caught their attention and they simply MUST have whatever it is that is being advertised. I do have some ideas, even in the off-chance that you have not heard that phrase. If the child is a girl under ten, I have two words for you: Barbie and Bratz. Trust me, you will be loved. If the boy is the same age the words are TONKA and sporting equipment.
Any teenagers on that list? Boys are tough. Try a gift certificate to the local electronics store, a year's supply of hair gel or maybe some outrageously expensive yet completely useless accessory for their car. Teenage girls, on the other hand, are a different species completely. Don't try to predict what is going on in their heads, let alone what they might want. It can't be done. Run, don't walk to the nearest shopping mall and get a gift card or certificate. All those stores to choose from? She'll love you forever.
Are you ready for the actual shopping now? Well, before you hit the mall, or store, you should know a few things. First of all, and this is crucial, do you have your cash, debit or credit card handy? Better check now, because , trust me, you will need it.
When parking, it is customary to circle the lot at least 40 times so that you can find the optimal parking spot. When you do finally find a car that is pulling out, you should pounce on it immediately like a pack of hyenas on a wounded gazelle, because it is the last space you will see for another 20 minutes or so. I should warn you, however, that this space is usually at the northernmost corner, approximately three miles from the entrance.
The crowd inside will probably be thick, so maybe you should head straight to the food court and fortify yourself for the battle ahead. You probably worked up an appetite on the trek from the parking lot.
Okay, enough stalling, time to face the madness. Here are a few little known rules of mall etiquette: Beware the "mall walkers". They will be traveling in packs of two or three and at a high rate of speed in their quest to get some exercise and have been known to run right over small children and never even break stride. When riding the escalator, you cannot share a step with anyone unless you are actually with that person. It's considered an invasion of personal space. Please leave at least two steps between yourself and the person in front of you. Face forward at all times.
Watch out for the "Perfume Guerrillas" posted in the cosmetics departments of the major department stores. Their sole purpose is to spray you with some fragrance that you cannot possibly hope to afford. It probably smells horrendous and you will find that a nuclear explosion is the only thing that will remove the scent from your clothing.
No matter what you do, try to avoid taking small children into the toy store. I know its elementary, but you'd be amazed how many people actually forget this rule. There is no way to escape the establishment without a big struggle and probably a major tantrum - and that's just from the sales clerk behind the cash register. Then you have to deal with the child as well. Just don't.
Last of all, please remember that the salespeople are people too, and its not going to make your shopping experience any more pleasant, faster, or less expensive, if you scream at them about something that is probably beyond their control anyway.
You should know by now that this season only comes once a year and you won't have to go through it again until next year. Just try to picture all the joy your gifts will bring to your loved ones and how much fun you had finding them and the act of giving.
Most of all, let us all try to find the true spirit of goodwill to all mankind and carry that giving spirit with us throughout the coming year
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